Curved Edges ✔

(108) Feli's Future Past I

♡ FELI

Carmon dropped me off at home before taking Loraina to school. And now I'm sitting here, on my bedroom floor with this pretty pink box in front of me. It's a hat box Madame Antoine gave me years ago. She had it in her office on top of a closet and I always admired it and one day she just gave it to me.

I lift the lid off and stare at the picture on top; the first picture of me and Fae. I look exhausted and my hair is sticking to my sweaty face, but my smile is full of love and joy as I look at my little miracle. The next picture is one of Carmon holding Fae, looking into the camera with teary eyes.

She was the only one there when I gave birth to my amazing daughter. I didn't want anyone there, still stubbornly trying to do things on my own. I have always been afraid to get attached to people. Cause when they leave they take a piece of me that I will never get back. 

My heart gets smaller with every person that betrays me.

She never did though. Carmon is the most constant factor in my life. Always there for me. For literally everything. She's my living, breathing infinity symbol. She's my best friend, one of the best kissers, and more, she's my sister, my shoulder to lean on.

She helped me through the pregnancy every step of the way. I was so scared to do it alone, worried I was going to be a bad mom. She was younger when she got Loraina and I looked up to her so much. The bond between her and her daughter is amazing.

She has an extremely wild side but when you see her with Loraina, you see a committed, loving mom. An amazing, unique mom. I wanted that. And I got it. Fae is everything. She's my sun and moon. I want to be the best mom I can be to her.

My eyes fall on a different picture and I pull it out. I stare at the smiling, cute guy and whisper his name, "Anthony".

I can't help but smile, feeling my cheeks warm up. I loved him way more than I ever admitted to myself. He was young, handsome, smart, and energetic. At the same time, he was amazing with Fae, she really fell in love with him too.

But I got worried. That voice in my head kept repeating how I was ruining his life. I couldn't let him stay here, far away from The Netherlands, with a single, older mom, who's a stripper. It just wasn't fair to him and he was too young to know it was better to walk away.

So I broke things off with him a week before he had to go back. I would never forgive myself if I kept him in my life for my own selfish reasons. He was young. He needed to party and fuck around. Be wild and free, without being tied to a mom.

But I broke my own heart forever by doing that. 

A tear rolls down my cheek and lands on the photograph. I whisper: "Oh Anthony, I still miss you every day. You took my entire heart with you. And I don't know what to do about it."

I hear Trent's words and open up Facebook. I search for Anthony van Nova and find him quickly. Shouldn't have done that. He's been keeping up with his workouts. Dios bendito, he looks huge and ever so sexy. I drool over his pictures before sending him a message.

Hi.

I was thinking of you today. 
I know I only reply to your messages to talk about Fae. 
But might have seen your Facebook profile...
You look really sexy. Sexier...

Anyway, how are you really doing?
Feli's birthday is coming up.
And I might have been reading your letter again.

XO Feli.

My finger hovers above the send button, doubt filling my mind rapidly. He's going to think I'm so weird. And I admit to keeping his letter all this time.