〰 Take a redhead that uses her assets to get her way in business, a curly nanny who believes in true love, a dark-haired, drop-dead gorgeous stripper and you've got a curved t(h)reat.
Then add a nerdy personal trainer, a tall, dark and handsome bo...
It's early in the morning, the sun's about to rise and the seagulls are singing their good morning song. The gentle breeze pulls a few strands of my hair from my braid and tries to lift the paper in my notebook to see what I've written. But these thoughts, hopes, and dreams are mine alone while I work through them.
I take in a deep breath of salty, fresh air as I close my eyes. After a few minutes, I hear a cup hit the tabletop and open my eyes slowly to thank the waiter. He just nods and quietly walks off. Oh, how I admire people who know when to be quiet.
Thinking about my needs, I came to one conclusion quickly; I need quiet alone time. Regularly. It keeps me grounded and sane. It helps me relax and work through my feelings before they get too much.
Yesterday was a wonderful day full of relaxed and happy moments until I barged into Noah's room and heard him moan out my name. That made me feel so bad. Not because I turned him on that much. Not because he was masturbating. But because I realized I was hurting him and Donté by staying quiet about my future with them.
It breaks my heart. Twice. I love them both for completely different reasons and have absolutely no idea how to make a choice here. I'm not even sure I should.
I need to know what I love about myself first before letting someone else love me. I don't even like myself half the time. Let alone love. My dented self-esteem and self-doubt are going to ruin any future relationship if I don't work on that first.
I know the people close to me love me. I've even reached the point where I believe them when they tell me why. Well, I believe it's their truth. I don't get it though. I don't feel it myself.
How do I get there? How do I force myself to see things differently?
I watch the waves roll, clearing my mind as I try the breathing technique I learned yesterday. From the corner of my eye, I see someone sit down at the other side of the terrace and finish my breathing before turning my head to him. It's my meditation teacher from yesterday.
He smiles at me and gives me a thumbs up.
I smile back and wave him over.
He sits down across from me, "You're a quick student, Ama. I'm impressed."
How does he know my name?
He clearly sees the surprise on my face, "I ran into Noah in the hotel bar last night.", his eyes show that Noah was not in a sober state, "He told me your name. And... some other things."
A blush rushes to my cheeks and I feel ashamed again. Ashamed for stringing him and Donté along. I can't even look the man across from me in the eye because I feel so guilty.
But he puts his hand on top of mine and says: "I'm Angel, just to keep it fair since I know your name. Do you want to go for a walk with me? I'm a very good listener. And awesome at giving advice that I don't follow myself."
I look down at his tanned hand on top of my pale one and I chuckle softly when he says he doesn't follow his own advice. My eyes move up his arm to his face and connect with his warm brown eyes, expressing nothing but kindness. His aura is so calm that my worries vanish into the salty air.
I pick up my coffee and drink it, while I allow him to enter my soul by staring into my eyes. The slight smile on his lips shows that he's at least a little bit amused. He squeezes my hand gently and that's when I realize it was still resting on top of mine.
My skin tingles and I reach another level of calmness just sitting here, across from a stranger, while opening up the door to my soul without holding back.
He smiles a bit wider and pulls his hand back slowly, "There you go. Now we can go on our stroll down the beach. Thank you so much for opening up to me."
Normally I would've been so weirded out by his words and demeanor. But it feels good. Not being reserved, not hiding parts of myself, or trying to be perfect for the person I interact with.
I get up and follow him towards the beach.
We walk at least a mile in silence and my thoughts are flowing freely in the breeze without anyone judging them, not even me.
Angel speaks in a soft, calm tone, "I know you're on a personal spiritual journey. And I have to say this to you; don't jump into a relationship with anyone but yourself right now."
My jaw drops a tiny bit and he chuckles softly. "I know, I'm Noah's friend. And I believe you could be perfect for each other. But you're not ready. I see the struggle when I look into your eyes. You need to find the courage to be your beautiful self first. And be totally okay with opening yourself up around a potential romantic partner."
He stops walking and takes both of my hands in his. "True, deep love is found when you bear it all. And I can sense that a deep romantic relationship is something you crave. But that takes all the courage in the world from both parties."
I look into his eyes and he gently lets go of my hands to cup my face. "Sit down in silence with yourself. Write a letter to yourself. Try to see yourself through other's eyes. Ask them if you have to. Write down all the things you like about the people you love because they are a reflection of you."
Tears stream down my cheeks and I close my eyes to find some form of control over the emotions raging through me like a tornado. He just opened a box full of feelings I've been trying to hide away all my life. I feel like I'm about to explode.
There's a buzz in my ears and the tears burn my cheeks as I forget how to breathe.
I'm dying right here, right now.
I feel warm hands on my shoulders and Angel's calm voice: "Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Slowly. Inhala... Exhala..." His hands disappear from my shoulders as his voice becomes softer with every word he speaks.
"Inhala... Exhala..."
I open my eyes and Angel is gone. I look around and I'm all alone. And I'm not even sure where I am exactly. Fuck me.
I sink down on my knees in the sand and cover my face with my hands, letting all those years of unshed tears, all those ignored feelings, spill out.
I can't catch my breath and can't stop all those hateful words and feelings rushing through me. The monster I've been feeding all these years is consuming me.
Is it too late for me?
I hear footsteps pounding the wet sand, splashing up water and after a thud right next to me, I'm pulled into strong, tattooed arms.
He sways me lovingly and presses kisses into my hair.
♡♡♡
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These chapters are tough. I've never cried this much over my own work.
I hope you feel the emotion in the words because all of my heart and soul has gone into them. It's helping me though. Also tiring me out and giving me a headache. But at this stage in my life, I know it's worth it.
I'll stop before it becomes a therapy session here. ;)
