Caught In The Widow's Web

Ch 49

I go down to the kitchen grabbing a bottled water and gulping it down to cool off. I lean my head back on the fridge with closed eyes, my heart starting to slow down.

"I can't believe we kissed. Fuck, and it felt good like before. Right?" I ask myself.

I push myself off and shake my head walking around.

"I've kissed a lot of women. It isn't a big deal." I say sitting on a stool bringing over the paper from this morning to distract myself.

I start to read it.

"But it's Nat." I lower the paper after a few minutes.

"No, it's doesn't matter." I shake my head trying to clear my mind.

"But I really want to go back and finish that kiss." I whine slightly.

"No. No I can't. We can't be anything anymore it'll be weird. It's already weird." I sigh.

"It's been two years, though. Come on, I can't hold a grudge for that long."

"Damn, two years...it honestly hasn't felt that long."

"But then how am I gonna know that down the line she still doesn't have some feelings for Buck?"

"So what am I gonna do? I said I needed time."

"You know what I need to do? Stop talking to myself." I shake my head.

"Thank god! I thought I was the only one." I hear a voice that isn't mine making me turn to see Tony.

"What? Sometimes I need an expert's opinion." He says coming over.

"You know, for being an enhanced super soldier I've let a lot of people sneak up on me." I say sarcastically trying to focus on the paper.

"We can run a few tests on that later." He chuckles making me roll my eyes.

"So, Fury asked me to follow up with you about your contract." He then says and I sigh getting up from the stool.

"I don't know, I don't know, I don't know." I shake my head pacing around.

"I mean, staying here just talking about the action and not being in the action? That's a joke Tony!" I extend an arm out.

"Fury and Hill do that, and I don't think they're jokes." He tilts his head.

"Hanging up the shield, *shakes head* that isn't me. I can't do that." I tell him.

"I don't even have my shield! It got confiscated with every weapon I had in my possession! I feel like a kid." I add and he sighs.

"I need to be somewhere where I'm needed. Where I matter. Where I can make a difference." His head snaps up to me when he hears me say that.

"You matter here J.D. We're a family. No matter what part you play on the team everyone matters." He states.

My eyes fall on the newspaper on the counter.

"You can tell Fury, no deal." I say and his expression falls slightly.

"I know the reason Fury doesn't want you out there is because you're having some PTSD going on....I have a friend that runs a PTSD support group. They're actually have a meeting tomorrow. Maybe you need to talk to people that isn't the team. It'll help you, Barnes." He offers and I nod.

"Thanks but no thanks Stark. I can handle this myself." I say then walk away.

~

I was riding up the elevator of the tower. I don't even know what time it is. I went out by myself tonight and enjoyed myself, leaving my phone here so I wouldn't be bothered in the process.

I walk into the living room, the lights were on so I was going to turn them off but I see one person.

"Hey Joe." Steve greets seriously.

"Hey Stevie." I smile making my way to Stark's mini bar.

"It's late, you should be asleep." I say over my shoulder.

"I can say the same." He says crossing his arms over his chest.

"You know I have trouble sleeping. What am I supposed to do?" I shrug taking a sip of my freshly poured drink.

"Oh I don't know, read a book. That's what you used to do." He says and my jaw clenches before I release an airy chuckle with a smile.

"Why read when I can go out and have some real fun?" I shrug.

"You left pretty early. We tried reaching you but got no answer." He says and I nod.

"I left my phone here, forgot it." I explain.

"Something tells me you didn't forget it." He emphasizes making me sigh.

"I was just out, having an adventure. I've withstanded a lot with this serum. This..stamina. It's, like we're invincible." I comment.

"Woah we are not invincible! We can die just like everyone else!" Steve exclaims.

"Have you tried?" I raise a brow.

"Have I tried what? Dying?! No!" He says like I'm crazy.

"Then you haven't lived." I sigh.

"Wha- listen to yourself Joesph!" He exasperates

"You're not a teenager! You're literally a hundred years old. You're a walking mummy. You can't go out and do stupid stuff for "a sense of adventure" you're gonna get yourself killed!" He says and I roll my eyes.

"What happened to you J.D?" Steve asks.

"What are you talking about?" I brush off finishing my drink and pouring another one.

"The drinking, the leaving without a word, the sleeping around. I miss the old you! What happened to the old you that would stay up with me to watch cartoons? The one who would help anyone without a second thought? What happened to listening to jazz-

"I still listen to jazz." I butt in and his soft blue eyes connect with mine.

"..What happened to the one who- who was in love?" He then questions softly and I scoff bitterly.

"Yeah let's bring up that loser." I say downing my drink.

"The shy, quiet soldier." I shake my head feeling the burn in my throat.

"And what did love get me? Huh? I was stupid and naive. I'm better now-

"So sleeping with women and drinking are your new hobbies? What happened to drawing?" He asks and I roll my eyes.

"Why do you care Steve?" I ask starting to get irritated with the blonde.

"Because you're my best friend! I can't just stand here and see you like this!" He strains.

"Then maybe we aren't best friends anymore because this is who I am now." I motion with my hands.

"..Then maybe we aren't." He says swallowing thickly.

"Because I can't just standby and see you ruin your life." He adds.

"Ruin? *scoffs* Maybe I want to ruin my life. Maybe I want to drink so much that I forget my problems and pass out but I won't. Maybe I want to have so much sex that I have a heart attack and die, but I won't. Maybe I want to get myself in some shit so deep that I get killed and dumped in a ditch somewhere and if that ever happens...I don't expect you to come looking for me." I say walking away, bumping shoulders with him as I pass him to leave the living room.

I get to a bathroom and splash cold water on my face. I look at my own reflection and wow..it's quite a sight. Lipstick stains down my neck I didn't even know I had. Dark circles under my red eyes.

I've changed so much. I don't even know what to do anymore. I sigh rubbing my face tiredly. Before I make a decision that, will change everything.

Despite it being late I made my way to the lab hoping to find a certain genius, billionaire, philanthropist. As I walk up I see him working on some things through the glass walls. I step in and he looks up to see me and raises an eyebrow questionably as he sees my appearance.

"What time do I show up tomorrow?"