Chess Pieces #5: Loki Von Amstel

Chapter 48

Loki didn't let me go even if his uniform is getting wet because of my tears. He was just hugging me tight like he's afraid that I might get hurt more if he loosen his hug on me. I could still feel his body trembling out of anger which made me cry even more.

I didn't know that I will feel comfort in him. That it will feel this good because someone is getting mad about what happened to me. I didn't know that I will be glad that he's showing reaction like this. It makes me feel that I'm special to him.

I didn't know that I would feel comfortable telling him about my past. I never knew that deep inside me, I want someone to listen to me, to know about what happened to me. I didn't know that I want someone to understand me. Kahit isang tao lang. Isang tao na makakaintindi sa akin.

I didn't know all of that. Not until I began to tell my story to Loki.

And now that I'm inside his arms, parang gusto ko na lang na sabihin sa kanya ang lahat. I want him to understand me as what he had said to me. I am clinging onto his coat like it's my lifeline.

I was sobbing so hard that I'm having a hard time breathing. Loki began to stroke my back gently, soothing my pain in his own way. I clung to his shirt even more. Not minding if I ripped or ruin his uniform. Loki didn't say anything like his uniform was the least of his problem.

"It hurts, Loki..." I mumbled and Loki tightened his hug.

"I'm here... You're not alone, now." he said. "I'm listening, Eresh."

I nodded and tried to continue telling him my story even if it feels like it will break me thousand times. But Loki is hugging me, na parang sinisiguro nyang hindi ako mawawasak dahil hawak nya ako.

"I didn't know what's happening that time. His big and disgusting d-dick was inside my... My small mouth." I continued as my tears began to fall again. "I was gagging and coughing but my father didn't care about that. He started to move his hips and... F-fuck me in my mouth."

I heard Loki took a sharp and painful breath. He was having a hard time listening to my stories. I could feel his anger. He's livid. But he tried to remain calm and let me pour my pain out.

"He was gripping my hair and I couldn't get away. He didn't care even if I couldn't breathe anymore. He was doing it roughly. Buti na lang, nilabasan din sya bago pa ko malagutan ng hininga. That was the first time he came into my mouth."

I chuckled but it sounds like a cry of pain. I just let myself cry after that. I want to let it all out without looking miserable. I want to let out the pain without crying this much.

But I can't. Akala ko, dahil matagal na ay hindi na ako gaanong masasaktan. But it hurts a hundred times more now that I'm telling my stories to someone. I can't help but to cry so hard.

"First time, Loki..." I said. "Dahil hindi iyon ang huli. That was the start of my living hell. Just the start of everything."

I closed my eyes but opened it again 'cause I could see those scenes in the darkness. Like it just happened yesterday. It was vivid and clear. I could see my young self, kneeling on the floor while my father was sitting at the end of the bed, teaching me on how to give a proper head.

"He taught me disgusting things, Loki...." my voice broke even if I try to tell those words softly. "He taught me how to pleasure a man using my own body. He came into my mouth a lot of times. And my stupid young self thought that by doing what he wanted, he will accept me as his child eventually. Pero hindi. Wala.  Nababoy na ko lahat-lahat, but I was still deprived of his love."

I can't count how many times I questioned myself why he was treating me differently compared on how he treated Ishtar. He loved her as his daughter even if she was a product of a rape. She was born out of revenge but my father still loved her and accepted her.