Wildling

Chapter 13

~~~Ember's POV~~~

A sob wracked my body, but I refused to let it escape my throat as I laid my head on Jaxson's chest. I just wanted this moment to last forever. Me wrapped in the safety and comfort of his arms. His body heat radiating off him and warming my cold and dreary body. I cannot break right now. I can't give in to the enormous pressure, the little voice in my head saying just give up. I can break when he leaves, and I can end this useless life...if I even can.

You don't deserve him. He would be better off without you. He doesn't want your pain, misery, and despair dragging him down. He could never love someone so broken and used. You didn't even wait for him. You let yourself be taken advantage of. I bet his wolf can smell how impure you are. Pathetic.

That voice is determined to see me fall. Never to stand on my own two feet again. To never have happiness or fulfillment.

"You don't have to explain. It's I who needs to explain to you." My voice breaks as I try to contain my tears. I bury my face in Jaxson's chest as my tears began to leak from my eyes. I can't hold them in anymore.

God I can't do this.

I don't want him to go. I can't go back to being alone again. I've only known him a few days but, in that time, he's made me feel happy, comforted, and safe. He made me feel alive again. Something I had never thought I would feel after all I went through. How am I supposed to go back to how it was before?

I'm not.

This is it. Time is up. A sob escapes my lips. Jaxson pulls away slightly to look at me. His emeralds glistening with curiosity.

"What do you mean, Em? Why don't I have to explain?"

I squeezed my eyes shut, and shook my head trying to gain my bearings. Taking a deep breath, the words just blurted from my mouth.

"I know what you are. I've always known. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you, but I just wasn't ready to let you go!" My sobs became uncontrollable at this point. I felt like the remainder of my soul was shattering. First Aoralia, then the rape and torture and now I must let my mate go? The world seems determined to bring me to my knees. Jaxson tightened his grip around me and as my legs gave way, he swiftly picked me up and carried me inside to the couch.

My heart rate accelerated. I couldn't breathe, my chest was heaving but I felt like I was drowning, and I felt like vomiting. I fumbled out of Jaxson's arms and fell to my knees. I was on all fours, dry heaving and sobbing and barely registering the pain from my wounded arm. What a great combination. I kept trying to gain my breath but every time I would take a breath it came out in an erratic sob. Why am I so pathetic? Having a full blown panic attack just at the thought of losing someone I've known for mere days.

"Ember you have to calm down. You are going to pass out." Jaxson scooped me back up into his arms and sat down on the couch. He pressed my head into his chest while he held me bridle style across his lap. "Focus on my heartbeat. Please, baby. You are scaring me. Focus on the sound of my heart. It's beating for you and only you."

He tightened his grip around my shoulder and waist as I clung to him in desperation.

"Deep breaths, Em. Breath with me. Sync your rate with mine."

I focused on his heartbeat. Strong and steady. I pushed all other thoughts out of my head. I matched my breathing with his as his heart continued to beat steadily. Its' melody calming me down bit by bit.

Jaxson rubbed my back as my body continued to tremble. He didn't speak anymore. He just held me through it. I hadn't had a panic attack in over a year. I definitely did not miss them. Losing control is never fun. And just my luck, I gave Jaxson even more ammunition to not want me.