Imagines♡

Proud (en.)

Proud 💕

When I sing a high note, it is not beautiful enough, when I am being calm at an interview, people think I am depressive, when I eat more than usual, I am not slim enough. Nothing I do is enough. Since I am in that band, everything I do is watched and calculated. I cannot post a tweet when I want to. There is always someone to tell me what to do. When I have a bad day, I can't mess up the songs at soundcheck. I need to be perfect for everyone.
I am tired to be perfect. Nobody is, why do I need to be?
I thought being with mom and dad was a controlling environment, oh was I wrong... Being in One Direction is a hundred time worst than being controlled by a parent.
Parents control you so you can live easily in the future. Management do it for its own good. And I can't do it anymore.
We arrive at soundcheck for our show this evening. I know what is waiting for me. Management is gonna be yelling at me about how I am not happy enough on stage, how I don't move when other does and how much I screw my high notes.
It's normal to have a scratched throat sometimes.
They just don't understand. They have no empathy for any of us. Especially for me.

As we enter the stage, Paul, our choreographer, is present. He looks at our moves and presence on stage and comments on everything.

-Zayn! How many times do I have to tell you? You need to look happy when you are on stage, or the fans will think you don't love them. Look at Niall. He plays guitar, he does his Horan's jump. He smiles at everything! And you?...

I stay silent and Liam takes my defense.

-He sings his high notes perfectly and does eye contact with the fans. Nobody can do his high notes. As for the eye contact, Niall can't do it, he is so occupied playing guitar. So let him be, he is happy!

I am, when I am not on stage. If I was free on stage, I would be the happiest man on the planet. Because of our management, I feel like singing is working. I never wanted to feel that way.

I smile at Liam, thanking him for taking my defense as we all go back to practice.
I do the best I can and they seem more satisfied than before. As I sing You and I, the high note I sing at the end of the song cracks. I am red of shame and my throat closes, I have the feeling I will cry if I talk or sing more.
The boys shout me looks of sympathy but I don't give it back. I sing with no happiness in my voice for the rest of the soundcheck and when I finish I go straight in my room backstage.

I hear a knock at the door and open it.

-Zayn! What happened out there?, Liam asks me.

-Nothing. Anyway, nothing I do is enough. How can you satisfy them? Why do I don't?

-I think you need a break. We've been on tour for what... Three months now? Why don't we go do an activity tomorrow. We have nothing planned and I know exactly which place would bring a smile on that face of yours. What do you think?

-That would be a great idea. And what are you thinking about, exactly?, I tell him with a smirk.

-You will know when it's time. Now come with us four and eat before the concert begins! , he convinces me before getting out of the room.

Oh Liam. So happy and positive after everything that happen to him. I should do the same and take Liam as my coach, as my example.

I get out of the room and follow the laugh of Niall, which is extremely loud, to find the boys. I find them eating and laughing at some joke the other tells and I enter in Liam and Harry's conversation, which seems more interesting than Louis and Niall's one.

We talk loud and are yelling when we are told to prepare because we are on stage in thirty minutes. Lou does my hair, Caroline clothes me and I am ready.

I am always a little bit nervous when it comes to the beginning of the show. I don't know if it will all mess up, if the stage will fall, if one of us is going to faint on stage or if there is a shooter in the crowd. That is what makes me nervous. I can't control what is going to happen and it makes me really anxious at every show we do.
All I know is that I will do my best because they don't want me to fail. They want me to be perfect.

5,4,3,2,1...!!!

[...]

We finished the first song. Everything went well. Harry nearly tripped in the stairs, Niall played guitar and Liam danced the way all the girls like it. Louis messed with the fans and I ... I sang. The thing is; I sang with all my heart. And some fans understood that. Because they cry over me, they have this look in their eyes, the one management don't have when they look at me. They almost look... Proud. Proud of the person I am.
It's been a really long time since I have felt that way and it warms my heart to know there is still people to appreciate what I do.

This event gives me hope and power to continue the show, happier. I make eye contact with fans, I smile to the boys while I sing and I make one or two dance moves just to satisfy the monsters.

There is the moment. My high note in You and I. I messed up sooner in the day, why would it be better now? I don't want to sing it anymore. I am never good enough, why would it change today?
As my high note approach, I look at the crowd and mentally open my eyes. I see all the signs fans are holding in the air so we can see them.

"Zayn, you're my hero ❤"

"Zayn is perfect"

"Smile Zayn, you being happy means the world to me."

In those three years, I have never seen the signs. My eyes were closed. All I could see was negative comments.

The three signs I read gives me power. They help me take my fears away and I begin my high note with no fears that I will mess up. I let my mind go free.
When I finish, I look at the now screaming and eye tearing fans in the crowd. They seem so proud of me. The boys look at my in disbelief. Louis mouths me:
-How can you do that?

I smile a little and look at the crowd, proud of myself and proud of my fans because it's them who make me dream and hope.

I love my fans.