HYMN OF THE RAIN

Bound to the past

The hospital hasn't changed one bit. I still remember every turn I need to go to the Emergency Room.

I'm half-running through the busy crowd of nurses, doctors, and concerned families. It reminds me of how the last time I was here - and I hate it. The stinging smell of what's probably some disinfectant prick my nostrils as I try to search for any familiar faces.

I look back at Rosa, who's asking the front desk before pulling my arm to the direction of Rachel's bed. As I get closer, I can finally see Mom, Miles, and Uncle Terry.

"Mom?"

The woman turns to look at me, pulling me into her arms. She looks like she's trying so hard not to cry, "Oh, Sash."

"What happened?"

Rachel is lying weakly on the bed. Her abdomen is wrapped up with a blood-stained bandage. I couldn't bring myself to look at her wound any longer. She's very pale and silent as the nurse is taking care of her.

Upon my question, Mom pulled me a few feet away from Rachel's bed. She's probably scared Rachel would hear her.

"Ryan took her on a date and brought her to a certain spot he had already planned for the attack. His friends were already there with some weapons. He demanded her to give them money and she obliged. When he asked her for the necklace, she declined." Mom's hands were slightly shaking as she told me the story, "She tried to escape, they attacked, and she got stabbed on her abdomen."

Telling the damned story means imagining the said occurrence in your head - something that makes Mom tearful when she's finished. My dear mother who only allowed herself to shed a tear at the bedroom after Dad's funeral is shaking in my embrace. 

Being in this place is already hard enough with the memories still lingering around - but we also have to face the fact that Rachel is lying helplessly on one of the beds with a stab wound.

I understand why Rachel refused to give her necklace up, though. It's the necklace Dad always wears when he's still around. Ever since his death, there's not a day when Rachel can be seen without it. It's the only thing left of him she can still keep, and it would be even weirder if she didn't fight for it.

I want to go up to her side to give her a hug.

Anything really to let her know how glad I am she's still here. Because despite our fights and differences, I wouldn't trade her for the world.

I can't believe it takes a stab wound to remind me of that.

"You shouldn't be here." Mom pulls away, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "Get yourself some snacks, hon. Miles too."

"But Mom-"

"I can handle this, okay? Uncle Terry is here."

"Mom, I can't leave you alone." I hold onto her arm, "I just ate earlier. I can stay a bit longer."

"Miles hasn't budged since we arrived." I look at how scared Miles is despite Uncle Terry's efforts to calm him down, and ultimately give in, "Rosa, take care of those two for me?"

"Of course."

The three of us soon walk out of the ER, leaving the suffocating atmosphere behind for a more calming one. After getting some drinks and bread for Miles, we settle onto one of the seats at the hospital park.

Miles is quietly munching his bread, while Rosa and I sit in silence. 

It's only after Rosa lends Miles her phone to play Candy Crush we finally have a conversation. Miles is sitting a few seats away from us, possibly not wanting to get distracted.

"You okay, Sash?" she asks quietly, "She's safe now."

"I know." Rubbing my eyelid with the back of my hand, I drag a sigh. It's too much. With the awfully familiar place, the panic lingering in the air, and the injured loved one on the hospital bed. I feel like I'm trapped in a deja vu.

"Thank goodness she can escape."

"I'd never forgive myself if she couldn't, Ro. I should've paid more attention. After what happened with my Dad, I thought I'd be more aware of what's going on."

Rosa knows what happened with Dad.

That's why I can be blunt with whatever it is occupying my head right now. I didn't see his death coming so soon, and I had hoped I could be more... I don't know, I hope I can be better. Better with taking care of my loved ones, better with time management so I can balance between whatever I'm doing and my family.

Instead, I've been so busy with school and the bookstore lately that I don't even realize how I've been so ignorant about whatever's happening around me.

When Rachel opened up about her new boyfriend, I should've asked more. I should've been more caring about the whole idea. If I did, I probably could've sensed something odd about him. This whole thing.. could it be prevented?

She rarely opens up about her relationships - what if it was a sign I should've paid attention to when she talked about Ryan back then?

"It's not your fault, Sash." Rosa has her hand on my shoulder, "You can't see such thing coming, you know?"

I stay silent, while Rosa is trying hard to convince me I'm not at fault. I really hope her words can deafen my thoughts as they're still blaming me. 

"You don't have to go to school tomorrow, Sash. Get some rest."

"Do I look that messed up?" 

"You look like you can use some shut-eye, my friend." she gets up once her phone shows it's already 8.30, and finally leave the hospital after saying goodbye to Mom.

The rest of the night is spent with Mom urging me and Miles to go home with Granny Lou. The three of us refuse, but when the clock points to 10 and Granny Lou is told the two of us still have school tomorrow, she insists we need rest.

We catch the bus and while she asks Miles about his school, I'm once again plunged into my thoughts. The only moment I get an escape from them is when Granny Lou asks about how I've been and when we finally get home, we get ready for bed.

My room is too quiet while my thoughts are unusually loud.

The loudest it's been since Dad is gone.

I know better than to hope I can sleep tonight. I'd be lucky if I can even get some sleep.