My Heart Hurt So Good (GirlxGirl)

Fifteen

I lost counting days. I can't really made up my mind on why on earth am I feeling like this. These past days, I've been busying myself with org stuffs and home works. I avoid going out with Celine and the group and just excuse myself for some org stuff to do. They let it slipped. Now, Celine and I were going to finish our report, we'll just put it together because I had excused myself to work on it alone since my schedule was full. She doesn't seem to mind at all.

I was on my way to Celine's since she got home first, when Annie pulled me on the other side of the room. "Heyy, what's the matter?" I asked shocked

"You. Why are you not hanging with us lately? I asked Gideon if you had a fight and he said no, I ask Celine if you two had misunderstanding or what, she said she has no idea. Are you okay Maxine?" She asked curiously yet accusingly

"I'm fine Annie.. I'm just busy with-" she cut me off "shush! We've talked to Wren and she said the org had less works and she barely sees you" she added

"We!?"

"Yes, Celine and I asked Wren" she deadpanned

"Why!?"

"Because you seemed of lately. We're just concerned Max. If you need a friend, we're here. I am here. If something's bothering you it's not okay to bottle it all up, you need to let it go cause if not it'll contaminate you." she said tapping my shoulder

"I'm fine Ann. I'm just confused, I guess" I answered truthfully

"Mind telling me?" I hesitated for a bit but then nodded, I then texted Celine I'll be late because I have something to do.

"Spill" she said as we walked through the Garden of the university. The ambiance is peaceful since by this time, students are going home or having late classes. We sat on a bench with a little table under the tree.

How do I start this?

I take a deep breath and looked at Annie.

"These past days I was literally avoiding to hang out with... you guys" seeing her raised her brow makes me stiff but then she motioned her hand to continue "uhm not..not because I don't want you guys but because of... Celine" I sighed.

"What about Celine, Max?" she asked

"Since.. we hang out, no scratch that... Since I began knowing her, I started to feel something. I-I..dont know what it is. I just felt so.. happy when she's annoying me. I could laugh all day when I'm with her. I can't handle seeing her cry or sad and I..i got jealous about this stupid guy you and Gideon see at the mall with her.. i saw them too" I confessed to Annie causing my fingers she would take it slowly

"Look Ann, I'm not a lesbian or something like that. I don't see these things.. i dont feel these things to anyone regardless of their gender."

Annie poked my forehead "Idiot. I am not labelling you as something but this was really not a shocked to me"

I cocked my head not sure of what she meant.

"I mean, it's not my part to say something but can I at least tell you what i think this is?" I nodded

"you're a jealous friend, right?" she asked, having that weird tone "because she's having some guy friend and you're jealous because that's all you are, a friend." Ugh!! Friend!! yeah.

"Yes, i'm jealous and..--"

"a jealous FRIEND." she stated "you're just a friend" she said again as if taunting me and it is working

"I.. i don't want to be just her friend" I finally said

"because..?" she asked again, I can see her holding her laughter and I give her a glare "because what Maxine??" she added

"because.."

oh my god..

Realization hit me, I'm not a jealous friend, I don't like her hanging out with some guy, I'm upset because I'm just a friend...because "I like her" I murmured still processing what I realized.

"You know Max, I am doubting how smart are you" Annie giggled and poked my forehead again. "Close your mouth" I obliged still thinking about it. I do like her not just a friend. I think I'm falling for her.

"I'm your number one fan Max, for you and Celine, you have my support. just please.. talk to her? Tell her this. Tell her how you feel. Its okay to take risk and chances sometimes because you'll never know what'll happen next." Annie said tapping my shoulder, giving me a reassuring smile.

"But Annieee" I whined "what if she's taken? What if this will just destroy our friendship? I don't want to lose her like that"

"You won't, Max."

"What if she rejects me!?"

"Rejection or regret??" she asked

"what do you mean?"

"Rejection won't last long, Max. If she rejects you, respect her decision even if it hurts you but who knows what will happen right? And if that happens, you will eventually just move on from it. However, if you keep it to yourself and time will be against you, regret will haunt you. When I am still catching feelings for my boyfriend, I said to myself that regret will always hurt more than rejection. With rejection, at least I know I tried my best. I did everything I could and fully shared my abundance of emotions. The things I regret most in life aren't words I said or chances I took. The things I regret most are those times I was too afraid to make a move. If someone cannot reciprocate the way I feel, that's on them. "

I felt that her words travel from all the neurons of my brain to my spinal cord. She's right. Rejection makes us stronger. People do not grow stronger when everything is working for them, but when they are forced to cope with the unexpected or the undesirable.

"I won't hold you too long, you have to go get your girl. Go after her. Fuck don't sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that's what you should do if you love someone, don't wait for them to give you a sign because it might never come, don't let people happen to you, or her, she's not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I'd be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3,000 miles on four days notice because you can't just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone's idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and unguarded and that is all that is worth anything really." she said and we giggled. "Harvey Milk" we both said in chorus.

"Thank you, Annie" I said, standing up and walking out the door.

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