My Heart Hurt So Good (GirlxGirl)

Thirty One

Maxine's POV

            My head hurts like hell so I slowly opened my eyes, feeling the sun's ray on me reflecting through our window. I HAD DREAMT OF HER AGAIN. That happened a long time ago, it's been years since we last spoke to each other. I wiped the corner of my eyes that has tears on it. Don't get me wrong, I already moved on but that does not mean that I completely forget about Celine. She was my first best friend, my first lover.

            It's been what, five years? Yeah, I am done with college and so are my friends, I am currently working right now and was happy to gain the happiness I badly want.

Moving on doesn't delete the past, but it enables us to transcend the disquiet as we embrace the learning opportunities. It's really a matter of integrating the disappointments, sorrow, and injustices of life, so they no longer serve as impediments, but as the foundation of our growth.

Moving on is about taking your life back. And if the only way you know how to do that is by getting under somebody new, you have much bigger issues to tackle than whether or not you've won the breakup. And I have been very happy with my life for the past years, I graduated college and was planning to apply on a law school, I reconnected with my friends, we go out sometimes but I go back at my hometown so I still have problems keeping in touch with them because of my schedule.

Celine and I don't spoke to each other anymore even on our social media, we try to keep the distance and I find tranquility in it. I found peace and a feeling of certainty, which I can do whatever I want now and care for whoever I want to care about without thinking if someone is sure or not about me.

The true measure of moving on isn't whether or not you've invested yourself in somebody new – it's whether you're investing in your own life in a way that isn't affected by the relationship you once shared with your ex. It's about whether or not you're making your own choices, pursuing your own desires and cultivating the big, important changes you need to make, without worrying about what your ex is thinking along the way.

Somewhere in between a move, a career change, several months of traveling and a whole lot of personal reflection, I'd altogether stopped being brokenhearted. I was happy again, on my own. I'd moved on – and my lack of fixation over whether or not I had done so was perhaps the clearest indication of that.

Moving on meant finding a new apartment that I loved and decorating it exactly the way I wanted. It meant planning a move to a new city without considering how it would impact somebody else's life. It meant working hard and traveling extensively and rising to new challenges regularly, without pausing to report back to somebody else. It meant cultivating a full, happy life in which I belonged, first and foremost, to myself.

And if we cannot call that moving on, I don't know what we can call it.

The truth about moving on is that it just doesn't look the same to all of us. For some people, it means falling madly in love with someone else. For others it means building an independent life in which their happiness is only their own. There are a thousand different ways to push our lives forwards into new stages and phases and no two ever look exactly the same.

Can you ever stop loving someone you truly loved? No. But it will changed. To lesser love until its gone.

Every heartbroken person has asked themselves this question at least once. The agony of recurring feelings leaves us wondering if they will ever go away or if we'll just get used to them.

It's true that some people never stop loving while others have an easier time moving on. How long the period of loving lasts depends on our coping mechanisms and how we deal with the grief of losing someone. Coping with a loss is different for everyone.

To ease the pain of not having the one you love and healing your heart, you must distance yourself from the situation and put things into perspective. My heart had been hurt and it has been healed because I wanted it to be healed not because of the time or of someone.

I smiled to myself and decided to get out of my bed as I feel my cat jump out of bed as well. I directly go to take quick shower and plan to take some grocery shopping since I had not gone for in a while.

I am not moving on because I am moving forward.

I can't believe  the phrase "live a life without regrets". I don't think it's good to regret it. If you try to live your life without regrets, you will be embarrassed or angry with  yourself only when your brain remembers one of the many choices you now find stupid.

We all regret it. You, me, like everyone else, were afraid to fail or succeed, proved that the "facts" you were thinking of were opinions or rationalizations, and not. For that reason, I decided that I regret it now. How to predict how you will feel in the future.

We should accept our regrets as part of being alive. If there is no way to predict the future, how could we be 100% right about any decision? Some choices were good, others were not. What if we are exactly where we are supposed to be? If life was about learning instead of having, what wisdom do we now have?

I also read that we should not overemphasize what was bad about our choices. When we made the choice, something made we feel happy, safe, or hopeful. Or maybe we got bad advice. What can we  learn from our choices that we can use or share with others?

Claim today as the best you have with what you now know. Shake off your sadness, frustration, and anger to see what is next. I just saw the movie, Hello My Name is Doris with the amazing Sally Field. Though it was very funny, it was sad to watch the main character realize she had lost most of her life to her fears. Yet the final message was that Doris finally found her life, the true value of her friends, and many possibilities ahead of her. It is never too late to open your eyes and see what is here now and what could be here tomorrow.

Take the time to think about what you are grateful for. Name the three people  you have today and the ones you are grateful for. As you open your heart with gratitude, remember that all the decisions you made have led you to this place where there are many things to thank.

If you regret it, change something. Even  a small step can help. The statement "Fake it until you make it" is worth it. A smile increases the amount of chemicals in your body that relieve stress. Doing something positive for yourself or someone else will change your perspective. All you have to do is  take a step forward to change your life. Take a walk, bake a brownie for your friends, or dress nicely and visit the museum.

For me – I regret many of the decisions I made. I'm sad that some things happened the way they came. And I am happy with my life. The road that took me here was bumpy, but here I am healthy and happy. If I make another choice, life will be different, but is it better? I  never know. I will regret it and proceed with gratitude.

Time to face the day with a smile!