Outlaws - An American Youth - [Charles Smith x OC]

Chapter 64 - A light in the winter

"I'm begging you Liz, let me go home. Please I can't leave him alone there. Please, please."

I was now on my knees, clutching the folds of her dress in my hands, continuing my pleas that no longer made sense. Joseph opened the door, a sad look on his face. Behind him, Nelly burst in. With authority, she picked me up and sat me down in the chair Liz had brought. I tried to fight her, but I had no strength. Without giving me any choice, she made me swallow a sedative.

"This has to stop Anna. You need to calm down immediately. You'll end up losing the baby if you keep going like this."

Liz made a small sound of protest, but she knew it was the only way for me to accept to listen. It was not the first time that I had such a crisis. After Charles' death, I tried to drown my grief at work, both in the office and on the ranch. I did everything to be exhausted, and thus fall asleep as soon as I went to bed. I didn't want to feel this loneliness anymore. I missed Charles's arms.

Sometimes I forgot he was dead. I would tell myself, "I'll have to tell that to Charles when I get home." Then I remembered, reality coming to give me a blow to the heart. He was no longer there to listen to my confidences, to laugh at my trivial stories. To hold me close when sadness took hold of me. I was alone.

No matter how I tried not to think about it, the gaze of people constantly brought me back to my situation. I tried to ignore their looks of compassion and pity. I redoubled my efforts, gradually draining what little energy I had left. In the evening I would come home, my little girl by my side, and take care the best I could of Charles's animals and plants, covered in snow. I would lie down exhausted after sharing a frugal dinner with Alice. There was no more music, no more reading by the fire. No more life, as if he had taken all my joy with him to the grave.

The winter was particularly harsh. I often wondered: Can Charles feel that cold where he is? Soon, my belly was too big, I was too tired. The inevitable happened. One day, I collapsed in the middle of the street. My body no longer held the infernal rhythm that I imposed on it. Liz rushed out of her cafe to come to my aid. Nelly was also present. She couldn't stand it any longer and lectured me. I couldn't go on like this. I couldn't work so much and be alone at the ranch, driving my cart every day in these bad conditions.

She ordered me to come and settle in town. I protested ardently. My place was at the ranch, I couldn't give up my house. But the two women finally convinced me. They knew several villagers who were happy to help me maintain the ranch while I stayed at the cafe with my little girl. Reluctantly, I end up giving in to their request.

This is how I settled into this room that was mine for the long weeks leading up to our wedding. Sometimes in my anger, I resented Charles. If he had let me in during the renovations, we would have had a few more weeks. And if he had let me travel with him, it would have been an extra month gained. And if I had been less stupid, if I had sent Marc home as soon as he arrived. And if I hadn't gone to Chicago... And if, and if.

Sadie had told me, as the gang was tearing apart. She couldn't have delayed her husband's death, but she could have started earlier, and had a little more time with him. Poor crumbs compared to a lifetime. But I would have given anything to have these crumbs.

I was miserable, forced to live where I didn't want to. I remained insensitive to the attempts of my friends to make me regain a taste for life. I tried to look good when Alice was around, but I didn't necessarily succeed. When she was in bed, I surrendered completely to my grief. More than once I burst into tears in my friend's arms, begging her to let me return to the ranch.

It was home. It was the place where I had been the happiest, in this house furnished with love for me. This was where Charles was. I felt like I was abandoning him. He was alone, all alone in these lands swept by the blizzard.