safe haven │ larry stylinson

8

Harry's POV

At the end of the night, Harry was a little bit drunk. His mom had left before and some of the band members left too. He was sitting at the table with the boys, Gemma and half of the band.
"Guys, I'm heading home now. I really enjoyed the evening"
He stood up while the others looked at him. "You're leaving?"
Gemma looked at him. He nodded and pulled her in a hug
"I'm very tired, sorry.. We'll talk soon, promise"
He left and instead of calling a cab, he decided to walk home. Because it was windy, he put on his hood and started walking.

"Harry!"

He would've recognised that voice everywhere. Harry turned around and saw Louis walking up to him. He could see that he was drunk.
"Why are you walking?"
"Because I want home?"
"Why don't you take a cab?"
"Because it's no long way?"
"C'mon. I'll call you one, kid"
He shook his head. "It's fine"
"C'mon Harry, boo. It's better. It's safer"
"Since when do you care, Louis?"

Harry was too drunk to be nice. He couldn't take it any more. He noticed Louis shivering.
"I'm sorry- I-"
"Are you? You think a little sorry fixes everything? Don't call me kid or boo or anything else ever again! You fucked up Louis."
"I know, I just- What do I have to do?"
"All you had to do was stay"

Suddenly Louis pulled him close and kissed him. Harry felt like he was paralyzed. He couldn't move. It was all he wanted to feel as the blue-eyed boy touched his cheek.
But he couldn't take it any more. He pushed him away, tears in his eyes.

"No, Louis. Just don't. I can't. I love you and I always will but I can't be near you anymore. 6 months of touring and we're through."
With these words he left him standing there and walked away fighting the upcoming tears.

As soon as he got inside, Harry leaned against the wall and sobbed. Feeling Louis' lips again was all he wanted, all he dreamt of the last couple of years but not like this. He hated him for doing this. For leaving him no choice. For leaving him five years ago.
He managed to make his way to the bathroom, turned on the shower and got out of his clothes, trying to stay calm.
As soon as he felt the water dropping on his skin, he broke down. Tears ran down his face as he sobbed.

It was his first breakdown in months but it was one of the baddest. Harry had only harmed himself a few times, not regularly but sometimes when he couldn't take it anymore. When he had to overcome the mental pain with physical hurt.

This time he cut his wrist with a blade. Only one time but deep and painful. Harry hoped the pain would distract him but it only made it worse. Blood streamed down and tears fell down. As soon as he had cut his own skin, he regretted it. He sat in the shower crying with his head resting on his knees.
He hated himself for doing this. And he hated himself for still having feelings for Louis, for telling him that. But mostly he hated himself for not being good enough.

When Harry got of the shower, he put on a pair of boxers and went to the piano which was standing in the room next to his bedroom. He had put a bandaid on his wrist to stop the bleeding and sat down on the stool.
Lyrics were stuck in his head that needed to be written down. Another song about him.
He played some tones and began singing. His voice cracked and his eyes hurt from crying. He couldn't cry anymore. He felt weak but writing this song made him clean up his mind. It was like breathing fresh air.
When he looked at the time, it was nearly 4am and the song 'All you had to do was stay' was written. He knew he would never play this song aloud for anyone like so many other songs but it helped him. It was part of him and it was part of his therapy.

The next few hours he lay in bed trying to sleep. As his alarm clock rang, Harry got up. He had an appointment with Simon in his office in two hours. Simon wanted to talk to Harry alone without having the other boys around and he didn't know what to expect.
He wasn't afraid, not anymore - Simon had no power nor control over him after all. He had a new management, he was as free as he could be on stage. But nevertheless he had to go to the meeting. He didn't want to interact with Simon but he would have to if he wanted this to work out. Maybe the man had changed. He wanted to give him a chance.

Sitting in Simon's office, he waited for the man to come. This time he wasn't late but Simon was. When he came in he smiled at Harry. It was that kind of smile that no one can take seriously. Harry smiled back with a forced and unreal smile.
"There you are. Thanks for coming, Harry"
"Sure, no problem"
"So I wanted to talk to you about some details. First of all the other contract for you to sign. As you're the only one who needs this. As said before, this ensures that you no longer have to pay the management for changing. Just read through it, I'll get some coffee"

Simon handed him the contract and left the office. Harry read the paper and signed it. After those six months, he would be free. It's all he wanted to be. No one would tell him what to do and what to say.
When Simon came back, he gave Harry a cup of coffee. "It's black. I'm case you need anything, sugar-" Harry interrupted him. He didn't want this to take any longer than needed. "It's fine. Thank you"

The man looked at him. "So there's only one thing, I'd like to make sure. Those six months are only dedicated to the band. Not to other interests"
He stressed the last two words.
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean" The fake kindness in his voice was undeniable. "I mean no gaying around. No Larry. No cuddles, no touching. None of this shit." 
Harry was surprised by the hatred in Simon's voice. But sadly he wasn't shocked. Simon hadn't changed.

"Oh, don't worry Simon. There won't be anything. I will interact with him only in the ways I have to on stage. No worries"
"Well, I hope so. Don't make any problems, Harry."
"Not planning on it"
"Good. For these six months you should... change you style too."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean no painted nails. No dresses and none of this feminine shit"

Harry shook his head. He was hurt by his words but he wouldn't show.
"No, Simon. I won't change who I am. I am who I am and I won't deny it for six months. I once changed who I was for this band and I'm not doing this again"
"Well, that's a pity. It's not what One Direction is about. You don't fit in."

It was that kind of talk that made him feel insecure. It mad him feel unworthy. He felt unaccepted. But he thought of his fans who loved him the way he was. He couldn't hide who he was anymore. He wasn't able to in the way he did before.
"Then you'll have to do it without me, sorry"

Simon sighed. "No, Harry. We all would prefer it that way but that's not possible, unfortunately. We tried to do that but it wouldn't work out"
We?! They had tried it?, Harry thought. They had tried to leave him out. Simon didn't want him in the band. What if the other boys didn't want him in there too? What if Louis still didn't want him in there?
Simon couldn't have hurt him more. Harry wanted to cry and break down but he couldn't. He had to play his role.