Jemily(Unexpected Love)

Lost and Insecure

JJ POV

I felt miserable, after I spent some time thinking about everything I tried to find a solution to any of this and it just got harder. I didn't want to lose Emily, I loved her more than anything. It made me physically sick even thinking about having a life without her in it. It's wrong, I know it is, but I can't lose her. Rossi was right, I was human and I was allowed to put myself over other people. Maybe in a year or two when I'm ready we could try for her to have a kid or we could adopt, but right now just wasn't the right time for me. 

I went back up to finish my paperwork. I avoided trying to speak to anyone so I could finish as quickly as possible. When I was finished, I quickly dropped it off at Hotch's desk and excused myself for the day. Henry was staying at a friend's house until tomorrow morning so I decided to go see Emily. I knew that she would still be struggling and I did want to be there for her as much as I could. I mean, there really was nothing we could do. I picked up some Thai on my way to her place and knocked on her door.

What I was expecting and what I got were two completely different things. What I was expecting was a heartbroken Emily in tears, wearing baggy clothes, and drinking wine. What I got was a smiley Emily who seemed to not have cried since the plane. 

"Hey baby!" She smiled and kissed me quickly and passionately on the lips. 

"Hey?" Are you okay?

"I'm great! And I was just about to call you. Come in."

I was confused, really confused. "Um, I brought Thai I thought you probably hadn't eaten yet."

"Perfect, we can celebrate." She grabbed the bag from me and put it on her kitchen counter. "But first, I should tell you what we're celebrating." She grabbed my hands and led me to the couch.

"Yeah, that'd be good." I laughed nervously. 

"Okay so, I got a call from Vera, the social worker and she was telling me how hard the first night was for Melissa. And she wasn't really adjusting to her surroundings, she kept to herself, didn't talk to the other kids, wasn't eating well. And even though it was the first day and first night she could see that if something wasn't done soon she would get worse. She could struggle with getting along with kids her age the older she got and with her home life she needed as much interaction with people as she could get. Vera said that all Melissa did was ask for me, and I mentioned that I had tried to become a foster parent in the past but my file was denied because of my work and the fact that I was single and she said that she was friends with a family court judge who could help overturn my denied application and with references from Hotch who has already said he'd do it, I have a very good chance at getting temporary custody. And there's usually an application process and a certification process but I could do it in the meantime that I'm watching Melissa. I already put in my time off requests and I'll be flying back to Charlotte in the next couple of days. In the meantime, I could get referrals from all of you that could help my case even more." She took a drink of water and tried to catch her breath. She smiled and looked for a response from me. I didn't know what to say, this wasn't what I expected, at all. 

"I-I don't know what to say."

She laughed, "I don't know, happy things people say, like congratulations or that you're happy for me." She waited and I couldn't get the words out. I was happy for Emily, but I selfishly knew what that meant for me. 

"I am happy for you Em." I smiled sadly. 

"Then why the sad smile baby?" She leaned over and kissed me again. "I'm getting a kid! Finally, after all this time! Well, hopefully, don't wanna jinx it."

"Em, I have a son."

"I know."

"And I don't want another kid. Not, right now." 

Her smile began to fade when she figured out what I meant. "You're not saying-I mean, I don't understand."

"Emily, I want you to be happy and to live the life you want to live. But, I'm not ready to be a parent to another kid. I already have my hands full with Henry."

She shook her head, "I'm not asking you for anything Jayje. I'm not even asking you to help parent Melissa with me. I don't need help, I know I can do it on my own. She's not a toddler, and we have a connection. I know it will take time but I'm prepared to do it. And, I guess never saw it as you taking in another kid. I thought it would be me and Melissa for a while and we could introduce her to Henry and they could be friends or something. But I never considered that you wouldn't at least be here, just to support me."

"I want to be there for you Em, but my priorities are Henry."

"So, where does that leave me?"

"I love you with all my heart, but I can't do this. Not now."

Emily POV 

It wasn't registering, what JJ was saying didn't make sense to me. I wasn't asking her to move in or marry me, I wasn't asking for any kind of help with Melissa, I was willing to do it all on my own. When I envisioned it, bringing Melissa home I saw JJ there with me. 

"I don't understand JJ. Are you asking me to choose?"

"I would never do that to you. That's why I think it would be best to take a break until you figure everything out. You have a lot of big decisions. And you still aren't sure of the outcome. I mean, you said yourself, there's a lot the judge and the case workers have to consider, if things don't go okay you know I'll be here for you."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I asked angrily. "So if I get denied, then we're back on but if I get approved we're done?"

"I didn't say that-"

"But it's what you meant."

"Em, you have to understand, you're not giving me much say in this. You just started going on about taking Melissa in without discussing it with me first. We are supposed to be in this together. We're a couple."

"JJ, I didn't think that you would have had a problem with it. You love kids, I don't understand why you are so against this. You better than anyone have known that I wanted kids, before I even told you about me trying to foster. You tried to reassure me telling me that you could see me having kids, that it was a good idea. You have pushed for me to try and you knew before we ever got involved that kids were something that I always wanted. So why are you backing off now?"

"I'm not backing off Emily. I stand by everything I've ever said about you and kids. I can see it and you deserve to be a mom."

"But, that picture that you so clearly see me in as a mother, does it involve you? Do you see yourself in that picture too?"

JJ looked me into my eyes and shook her head no. I looked away and felt that same pain that I felt when Melissa asked me to take her and I said no. Twice in a week, I felt this heartbreaking pain that felt like it could kill me. 

"I don't want to lose you." I looked at her. "I can't lose you, not after all of this. After everything, I didn't fight this hard to get you just to lose you."

She started crying too. "I know, I don't want to lose you either. But, you shouldn't give up on this, on her. Maybe, later on, we can try again. But you need to do this, and I can't be in the way. I'll never ask you to pick, because I know how important this is to you and how much you need to be a parent."

I kept crying and she went towards to hug me, "I love you Emily Prentiss. I will always love you. I can support you from afar, but I can't get involved. I'm sorry baby." She kissed me deeply and wiped my tears. "I will write the best recommendation letter in the world. You will get Melissa, I promise." She kissed me again and stood up and walked out of my apartment. I sat alone for who knows how long. This felt like a bittersweet victory, I was getting what I wanted, but at a huge cost. My heart was broken and I didn't know what was right anymore. I lost JJ, and I don't know how I'm going to live without her. 

(Authors Note: I know, I know you guys hate me. I hate me too. But let's be real, this is Jemily story so they will end up together but maybe some time apart will do some good.)