Cheating ShinsouxReader (Completed)

Chapter 32

Standing in front of his door, I couldn't help but feel like I'm making some sort of mistake. I mean it's not too late ... I can always turn around and head back to my room.

Stupid.

I'm so fucking stupid.

Why did I agree to go to Kaminari's room? What on earth made me say that? I started pacing back and forth in the hallway psyching myself up to confront him in person. We talked through text and I finally released some of the pent up anger and grief that's been plaguing me, but it wasn't enough.

I haven't talked to Kaminari in months. I hardly ever look at him because when I do ... when I see him, my heart breaks all over again. Especially now that he's always with Shinsou ... I can't bear it. Okay, okay wait. I can do this. I need to do this. If I overcome this, that's one step closer to overcoming the entire situation.

"Okay ... I can do this. We're just going to have a conversation ..." I said under my breath. I had so many mixed feelings as I lifted my arm to knock on the door. I took a deep breath and shut my eyes as I knocked three times. From the other side, I heard muffled shuffling and a few moments later, the door opened.

For the first time in a while, I was face to face with Denki Kaminari. His honey-colored eyes widened when he saw me, and upon closer observation, he had dark circles under his eyes and they were irritated. His face looked a little thinner too ...

"H-hey!" He greeted me after a second of hesitation and all that anger I had built up, all that frustration ... just vanished. My heart ached at the state he was in and my entire demeanor softened. Oh, Kaminari ...

"...Can I come in?" I asked in a soft voice.

"Yeah, yeah please," Kaminari blinked a few times before stepping aside to invite me in. Inside the familiar room, I sat down on his bed and he took a seat at the chair by his desk. I looked around for a moment and noticed that it was messier than usual. Surprisingly, he's kind of a neat person. From the outside, his room may seem chaotic, but everything has a spot.

We sat in silence for a few minutes before I sighed. What do I even say? How do I start this conversation?

"Kaminari ..." I started to speak but a lump formed in my throat and I couldn't say anything else. This is too much ...

"I'm so sorry!" Kaminari broke the silence; his voice cracked and tears fell from his eyes. I wanted so bad to reach over and wipe his tears away ... and tell him that it'll be okay but if I do that, then what does that say about me? That it's okay to break me as long as you say sorry? I need more respect for myself. Not just that, but I need him to understand that crying and saying sorry doesn't fix the mistakes.

Before, whenever Kaminari got overwhelmed and emotional, I would always brush away his tears and hold him close. He responds better to touch than words, so I always comforted him by showing affection.

"I know," I said in a surprisingly clear voice, "I know how sorry you are. You tell me every day. Let me ask you something. Would you forgive me if I kissed your partner and then dated them right away? If I betrayed you the way you did me ... would you forgive me?" I tilted my head and he took a deep breath. My voice cracked when I asked the second question and I felt my hands clench into fists.

"No ... I wouldn't," he replied after a moment of thought as he sniffled. Seeing him cry stirred up my emotions and I didn't know what to feel. How can I care about him so much when he hurt me like this? Why do I want to hug him so badly? He doesn't deserve my kindness ... So why do I want to give it to him? Does that make me a fool?

I moved my legs so I was sitting cross-legged on his bed and folded my hands together, "I can't forgive you. I really can't. I won't, I refuse. What you and Shinsou did ... was brutal and unforgivable. You two broke me. I lost the ability to trust others, I mean how can I when my best friend and the man I loved betrayed me like this?" I started to tear up and I quickly bit my cheek to avoid crying. I looked away from him, focusing my eyes on my hands that were folded together on my lap.

"It's not just the trust ... I blamed myself. I wasn't good enough for Shinsou, or I did something wrong that gave him no other choice but to find comfort in someone else-"

"No, Firefly, no! That was never the case. This is our fault, not yours. We made the mistake ... don't blame yourself," Kaminari let out a sob and moved from his seat so he was kneeling in front of me. He took my hands in his and I sat there in shock for a moment. Kaminari's hands were cold and they felt ... frail.

"I don't hate you ... I don't hate Shinsou. I hate what you did to me," I squeezed his hands and I let the tears flow from my eyes, "Why didn't you tell me you fell in love with him? Why couldn't you both tell me that you loved each other? I told you everything, I trusted you with my entire soul, so why couldn't you do the same?!" I raised my voice slightly as my frustration increased but I refused to let go of his hands. I needed to hold them ... they grounded me in this situation and I wanted him to know that I was right here, and for right now I wasn't going anywhere.

"We were scared ... we didn't know what to do," Kaminari sounded defeated and he clenched his jaw, "I never wanted to split you two up. That was never my intention, please believe me," he pleaded. I gazed into his wavering eyes and I saw nothing but sincerity and genuine pain. How can he look at me like that? How dare he look at me like that.

"But to get together so quickly? Can't you see how fucked that is?!" I started to get angry again and he rested his forehead on the edge of the bed as if in prayer.

"I know how bad it looks. We were selfish. When you and Shinsou officially broke up, I was there for him and it just felt like the natural thing to do," Kaminari explained himself but my eyes widened in shock. So he was there for everything. His first instinct was to be by his side and leave me in the dust. What the actual fuck. Instead of coming to me, and trying to explain himself, he ran to Shinsou's side and stayed there. Like a loyal puppy.

"What the fuck Kaminari. You really are a piece of shit," my voice was soft, but the venom that came with it was strong, "You put him first ..." I shook my head and he lifted his head.

"I know. I know I'm the worst and I'm sorry. I am so fucking sorry and I don't know what to do," his raw voice was hoarse from the sobs and his eyebrows were furrowed.