Cheating ShinsouxReader (Completed)

Chapter 38

As promised, Shinsou came over to my room at 6 PM the next day. I invited him in and he sat beside me on the bed. I didn't get a good look at him last time I saw him, but I feel like he looks better today. I don't know how to put it, but even though he physically looks the same, there's something about his presence that's different. I think it has to do with what I said to him when I talked to Kaminari. Maybe he's just relieved.

He looked around the room eyeing any changes that might have occurred in the months he hadn't seen it. When he saw my desk, his shoulders slumped a little. The walls that were once decorated with photos of us, were now bare. I haven't hung anything up even though Kirishima printed out a bunch of pictures not only of himself but of his entire friend group. I love the pictures ... they're so fun and lively, but I don't know ... it felt wrong replacing the ones that were on the wall.

Shinsou started to play with his fingers as he thought of how to break the silence. No one said anything for a while ... but he kept glancing at me waiting for me to say something and I took a deep breath.

"Before you open your mouth and say 'I'm sorry' let me say this. I know that you're sorry. I already told you that I don't hate you. But, I despise what you did to me. You need to understand that you were the first man I ever got close to. You taught me that it's okay to trust others and to open up. That it's okay to be myself. Shinsou, I trusted you wholeheartedly. I don't think I ever gave you a reason for you not to trust me in return," I looked down at my hands that were resting over my thighs and felt all those pent up, negative feelings that I thought were already gone, rise.

"When I first saw that picture of you and Kaminari, I didn't get pissed. I was confused ... and I didn't believe it at first. I was convinced that you would never cheat on me ... I thought that you were above that. Not just that, but that you genuinely did love me, like you always said. But the more I looked at that picture ... and the more I thought about how you'd been acting ... it made sense," My voice was quiet as I talked and I kept looking at my hands. I remembered the days leading up to our break up. Where I saw him falling out of love with me, even though he said he never did.

"I blamed myself for a while. I wasn't as bubbly as Kaminari, as wide-eyed and silly as he was. I thought that maybe I was too annoying or too insecure since I'd always ask for some sort of validation whenever I got the chance. I just wanted to know I was good enough for you. In the end, though, I guess I really wasn't," I felt my chest start to tighten and I held in the tears. My voice trembled and those pathetic feelings I felt, in the beginning, came back stronger than ever.

"That's not true! You are more than enough and I hate that I made you feel like this," Shinsou finally spoke up and I shook my head. He turned his body to fully face me and I scoffed.

"Yeah, you and me both. I hate that I let you break me. If I really was 'more than enough' you would have been happy with me, right? Because of what you did, I'm scared to let anyone in. What if I trust someone enough only for them to hurt me again? I can't handle it ... I genuinely can't handle it," I looked at Shinsou with teary eyes and he was biting his lip. What's going on in his head right now? What's he thinking? How is he feeling? I noticed that his hands were trembling and his jaw kept clenching and unclenching telling me that he was trying so hard not to break down into tears. I got some satisfaction from seeing him like this, but I also hated it.

"Listen, I'm not telling you all of this to feel guilty ... for the most part. I'm telling you so you know what you did to me. How your 'mistake' affected me. It wasn't just the fact that I got cheated on that hurt, it was the fact that you got together with Kaminari right after we broke up. That told me that you didn't love me. Not as much as I loved you anyway. You didn't waste any time ... it's like you weren't even upset. You moved on right away and meanwhile I was left broken and grieving. Like you never cared about me in the first place," My voice cracked and I saw a single tear roll down Shinsou's cheek. It got so hard trying to hold the tears back at this point. My throat was aching and my chest hurt trying to stay calm.

"I know I fucked up. I can't ever take it back but you have to know that I care so much about you," He met my gaze and I started to get fed up. How could he say that he cares about me when he's the one who broke me? He was supposed to protect me ... Shinsou cares so much about me ... so much that he cheated on me with my best friend. What the actual fuck, how can he sit there, tears rolling down his cheeks and say that he loves me, that he cares about me when he betrayed me?

"I'm so tired of feeling like shit. I'm so tired of crying over you. I'm exhausted ... I just started sleeping full nights again, and I haven't cried myself to sleep in weeks. I'm trying so hard to get myself back ... but that happy-go-lucky, naive person ... they're gone. There's nothing left of them inside of me and that's what hurts the absolute most. Because of you and Kaminari, I'm different and I hate who I am now," Frustrated, I wiped away the stray tears that fell and I turned my head away from Shinsou. Saying all of this out loud was freeing, but I hated admitting how much he's truly hurt me. I never admitted that to anybody ... What would Todoroki say if he heard me say that? What would Kirishima say? Or Midoriya?

"If I could take it all back I would. I've regretted kissing him since the second I did it," he tried to reach out to me but before his hands could hold mine, he retracted them. If he regretted it, he wouldn't have continued seeing Kaminari.

"If you did, then why did you hide it? Why did you pretend that everything was okay when it wasn't?! I had that picture on me for one week before I brought it up! I was waiting for you to admit you made a mistake. I was willing to talk things out and work out a solution if you were honest with me," at this point, I felt utterly defeated. My goal was just to clear my conscious and release those bottled up feelings so I could feel lighter.

"We were scared! I was scared!" He raised his voice but I didn't flinch. When he realized he shouted at me, and he let out a sigh.

" Sorry I-I didn't mean to yell," Shinsou apologized softly.

"I know! I know you were scared, Toshi, but I don't understand why. What were you afraid of?" I raised my voice too and tried so hard not to break down completely.

"I don't know ... I-I was afraid of how you would react ... how you'd see me," Shinsou looked away from me and ran a shaky hand through his hair.

"I'm not an explosive person. You know that! You've known me long enough to know that I don't scream and yell when something doesn't go right. Damn it Toshi, I never would have blown up at you. I also never would have made you choose. If you told me right away, we wouldn't be in this situation. I pride myself on being understanding, on being sympathetic. How can I be when you couldn't be sympathetic with me?" the anger that was bubbling up was finally being released and my voice softened.

"All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. Even if it wasn't with me ... as long as you were happy, I'd be okay. Do you have any idea how highly I thought of you? Just how much I truly did love you? I put you first in everything I ever did ... went out of my way to make sure you were comfortable and if you were upset, I'd do everything I could to put a smile on your face," I got nostalgic thinking of everything I did for him and I let out a sigh. I feel like a fool now.

"I would stay up the entire night making sure you didn't have any more nightmares, made you your favorite sweets when you were having a bad day ... if there was anything I could do to make you smile, I did it. I did it because I loved you so much, and seeing you smile ... made my entire day," I didn't bother trying to stop the tears at this point. I really am a fucking fool ... saying all of that shit out loud made me feel stupid. I guess there's no one to blame but myself.