Midst of Chaos

XXIII

I don't want to be saved. I can save myself.

I don't want a knight and shining armor. I can protect myself.

I can handle my battles. I always do.

All I need was someone who can stand beside me.

That is what I always need.

After the holidays ay balik-eskwela na.  I and Drew never communicated after what happened. I waited for his explanation pero wala. After I cried non-stop that night while in Al's car, I realized how foolish I am. I should not let myself be in damn pain just because I was fooled by him. I should just take it as a lesson that not all boys can be trusted. Those months that we are together is not enough to know who he really is.

I realized that I was the only one that time who told him about myself. While Drew, was just silent. He never told me about his life or who he is. I just know that he is an architecture student in UP and that's it.

Al didn't leave my side that time. He was with me when my mother explained everything. Si Faye naman ay nakauwi na nung time na iyon kaya hindi niya alam ang nangyari. I told them together with Kai through video call. They want to help me but I just told them that their support is enough for me.

My mother decided to go to abroad para puntahan si Papa. The company help us too kaya mas napabilis. They are still conducting investigation kaya hindi pa nila masabi ang dahilan ng aksidente.

Papa's condition is stable but until now he is not yet awake. Gusto kong sumama kay Mama pero hindi pwede.  I am a graduating student. Gagraduate na ako at marami pang papers na dapat ipasa. Even if I wanted to go there with Mama para makita ko si Papa ay hindi ko magawa. All I could do is pray for his recovery. That he will be okay kasi marami pa kaming pupuntahan. He told me that he will come back as soon as possible kaya hahawakan ko ang mga salitang iyon.

That is why I need to do my best for him.

Rumors started spreading in social media that Sebastian is already engaged with Sofia. Only few knows about us kaya naman ay may mga kakilala akong nagtatanong about sa amin. I smiled at them like it was okay, I just told them that we are just friends and there is nothing going on between us. Some seemed to believe but not Kai, Faye and my accounting buddies. They know there is something wrong but they are just waiting for me to tell them.

Isa pa, hindi naman din nila iyon napagtuunan ng pansin ng malamang kung ano ang nangyari kay Papa. They send me supports and that they are always right there if I needed them. Isa pa, malakas naman daw si Papa kaya alam nilang magiging okay ang lahat.

Theodore, our pupoy, is staying in my unit. Buti nalang napakiusapan namin ang may-ari. My mother's flight the next week after the accident happened. Kasama niya si Tita Maeng na kapatid niya.

They told me that Papa is getting stronger and any day ay gigising na din daw siya sabi ng doctor. Natawa pa ako kay Mama kagabi ng tumawag siya dahil namemeasure daw ang english-speaking skills nya doon. Buti daw nandoon si Tita Maeng at nasasalo siya sa lutang moments niya.

I was happy that Mama is slowly getting rid of her worries. Hindi din alam ni Mama kung anong nangyari between me and Drew. She just thinks na umiyak ako dahil kay Papa, ganoon din naman si Al.

Speaking of Al. He's always calling me every time. Kaya naman nasasanay na din ako these past few days na before ako matulog ay nag-uusap muna kami. I think he did that kasi ayaw niyang parati kong iniisip ang problema. And i think i need that. Somehow, Al, helps me in fighting for my worries.

"You are not stressed with school works?" tanong nya

"Stressed. Super. Ang daming pinapasa na requirements pero okay lang, malapit na din naman akong grumaduate." sagot ko

I am now in my bed. Nakaharap sa akin ang phone ko na nilagyan ko pa ng unan sa likod para hindi matumba. Nasa dorm naman siya ngayon at mukhang katatapos lang magshower.

"I'll try to be there in your graduation day." ani nya

"Hmm" sagot ko

He wasn't able to talk to me afterwards ng may kumausap sa kaniya. Dormmate siguro, mukhang nagtatanong about sa isang course subject.

"Do you have something to do? Let's just end this call para naman hindi na ako makaistorbo" wika ko dahil inaantok na din naman

"Wait. I'll be back. Don't end the call, Z. This will just take a minute." ani niya sabay tayo

I waited for him but he didn't come back. Mukhang marami atang ginagawa but i didn't end the call baka kasi bumalik at magising ako ulit. I just faced my phone and closed my eyes pero in the end ay nakatulog pa din ako.

Nagising nalang ako kinabukasan. My phone is now turned off dahil sa pagkakalowbatt.

Theodore is sleeping in his bed na nakatihaya. Hininaan ko nalang ang aircon para naman ay hindi siya magising dahil sa init.

Mabilis lang akong naligo at nagbihis. Wearing my usual clothes ay naghanda na din ako papunta sa school. January is fastly passing by kaya naman ay nagiging busy na din ako. Malapit na din kaming matapos. My friends and I agreed that we will enroll ourselves in the best review center in Manila. Mataas kasi ang passing rate ng center kaya iyon ang napagpasiyahan namin.

Before i left the unit ay chineck ko muna ang dog food ni Theodore at tubig din. I lock him up there after I said goodbye.

Nang bumaba na sa unit ay may nakita akong pamilyar na sasakyan doon.

He didn't see me as he was looking far at mukhang may iniisip. Without him knowing, I walked silently and away from him and took a taxi.

I don't have time to hear for his excuses. I waited long enough but he didn't came so why now that I dont need it already. Isa pa, it's obvious that he's playing with me.

Many congratulated him until now. I do sometimes check his accounts in social media. I didn't unfollow nor he to mine. Bakit pa? Nothing will happen if I unfollow him kaya wala nalang. Ayaw ko din namang masabihan na ang bitter ko at isa pa, we didn't break up kasi wala naman talaga kaminv relasyon.

He's the last man that I would see for now. I have a lot of priorities to look for and he's not one if it. Mamaya na kapag okay na ako. Kapag hindi na masakit.

Before the taxi turned left, I looked at his car again.

"It was good meeting you, Drew. Though you left a scar in my heart but still I was happy with you. It's just that I was hurt for being played. You fooled me. How I wish na hindi ako sumama kay Faye noon sa bar. If only  then I wouldn't be this broken right now."

I put my hands on my neck and I held on the pendant of my necklace. I know, dadating din ang panahon na makakalimutan ko siya. At alam kong sooner or later ay magkikita talaga kami at magkakausap kaya lang, huwag muna sa ngayon. Ayaw kong dagdagan nya pa ang mga iniisip ko.

I, Celestina, is trying to move on from  a relationship that haven't even started in the first place.