Vent

i dont want to kill myself

i haven't wanted to kill myself in years
i still don't

but, lately the more I dwell
The more I lay up and think

about the decisions, the conversations, and the time passing
the breathing, the crying, the aging
I realize, how horribly exhausting and terrifying being a conscious and contributing human being

i don't want to kill myself
but I can't lie to you and say
that the idea of a state of being where I have to make no decisions, where I have to feel and do nothing in complete peace, doesn't sound ideal

i weave the cliched tale,
I've no reason to live
and I'm aware that this deep melancholy I feel is temporary, as all things are,
however I can't help but feel so empty, and weak.

if my phone weren't in the equation, I'd speak almost no words
I'd have no one to talk to, and nowhere to go
I'd be even more alone with myself

I don't want to kill myself
but I am terrified of being alive