Vent

how sad

i am a lonely guy
i don't leave my house unless I'm going to work,
and i can't stand the people i work with
so i dont have anyone to be around

i try to do social things.
i go to parties, i show up for people
i try to be friendly and not attract attention
but the second i go to enjoy myself,
i feel the weight setting in
the fact that even if i know someone there,
there is always someone else they have to do something with
whereas i dont

i feel resentment, and shame
rejection
the kid in me who no one would let play their reindeer games
just sobs
because nothings changed

and romance comes even harder..
the idea of building an intimate relationship from scratch, with a stranger, makes me feel sick
im a very nuanced person.. and it's hard finding someone who understands me, and somewhat how my head works
im a genius at sex, i know the human body and it's triggers like the back of my hand
im a professional at intimacy I just fuck it up for myself

i feel misshapen,
out of place.
jagged edges with nowhere to connect

no one to come back to

no one to hold, or to hold me

just me,
my disaster bedroom
a loooottt of weed
and my pain