Vent

pathetic

god damn.
i really sat there and tried to act like I've turned this crippling pain I carry into something positive.
something that drives me?
a fucking joke. i write that because that's what I need to hear. i need someone to tell me those things, but in actuality it's all occurring because I can't explain what's going on in my head without shame
without shutting down and being embarrassed because I'm talking so much, or sounding absolutely insane. like a total psycho who just shouldn't be in public.
i am in so much pain dude.
i still feel a gape in my chest from when I had to leave him that day
i remember the last glimpse of him I had before I walked down the stairs
I remember the smell
I have the god damn t-shirt
i remember how in love we were.
when we were kids, we ran away from each other for hours before our friends finally tricked us into speaking
he was covered in colored chalk dust, a shaggy blonde disaster boy with the brightest and most beautiful brown green eyes I'd ever seen
when we sat next to each other watching the firework show
i remember thinking about him non stop the rest of the summer. we talked online, even tried our hand at long distance. didnt work. we fought, viciously
a year or two passes and i come back to the state for the 4th of July weekend
the last we spoke, we were angry. i told him to meet me, alone, and we would talk or settle it
I waited for awhile, and when I saw him turn the corner (with friends because he doesn't listen to me), I shattered the lollipop I was holding in sudden anxiety.
expecting the worst, his friends pulled back and he walked up to me
looking at him again, all this time later
i fell right back in.
how he looked at me. pulled me closer to him.
when I thought he'd be fighting me, he hugged me.
introduced me to his friends and we just enjoyed each other's presence.
I remember him vocalizing I was his.
getting angry when someone else touched me.
I remember the first time I kissed him.
i remember the walk around his town with his friends.
and the fireworks at her family's property.
sitting on a rickety ass shed with a soaking wet, disgusting roof
but feeling so comfortable sitting against you.
sharing the same stunning view of the most beautiful night sky I've seen to this day, and talking about what we wanted for ourselves in the future.
so excited to get back to his house and finally release these feelings we've been holding in for YEARS
and it being the most amazing night I can remember
just being close to someone who loved your body, and wanted you just as much as you wanted them
who didn't mind you had no idea what you were doing
and was patient, and gentle. and loving.
i remember the walk around town as the sun rose, and we watched as people started their days
treasuring those last few hours we could spend with each other
and I remember the last time I kissed him.
before I had to leave, and little did I know
it would be the last time he and I would ever have that experience again.
that someday, years from then
he'd find someone else who wanted him as much as he wanted them
and then he started the process again
and is broken for her

so when I say that my heart fills with thick, dark despair when I'm asked what my type is and I describe him, I mean it.
I never started that process over again because I didn't want anyone else.
I never did.
and being what feels like the only one to still treasure and be hurt by these memories, just makes me feel alone.
and explaining this to anyone would be impossible.
and I'd never do myself justice. there's too much to say.
I just feel forgotten. like my love and presence had no impact
that he doesn't miss me
or think about me

im not angry that he found love when we couldn't be together
im sad that what time we shared still causes me to cry like a bitch, when all he feels hurt by his her.
what about me?..
i don't want pity. i just wanna feel like I mattered
I don't want to feel this pathetic anymore.