Vent

quick catch slow burn

funny thing, isolation

at first, its like youre drowning in all of the thoughts and things
crowding your already shaky crown

all of the horrible intrusive shouting..

then, once a year or so has passed, you just
melt away
the muscles you flexed in the life around others weaken, and fall off
you're a shell with a hollow voice

"lonely" doesn't do it justice
a severe understatement

going from being a weird blue haired, heart broken child
to jaded and moody belle of the ball,
to being a partying street rat

was fun though, the last one

but then, all at once
it all vanished
i was working until my hair fell out.. every day

i wasn't waking up for school
i just couldn't

i dropped out

went back to live with my parents in a neighborhood consisting of one street, and a gas station

my life suddenly came to a halt

i had myself, and only myself
my family just..
i love them with all my being but im just
a very reclusive person i guess..
i digress

being 17, then 18, then 19
spending those years doing absolutely nothing by no choice or doing of mine
i was fucked over one time by the school system early in my high school,
and the most disturbing domino effect has landed me in a pit
being devoured by my despair
my longing for something that doesn't long for me
its an eternal coldness

i don't posses warmth for others anymore
the idea of sex or being that intimate and physically close to someone
having to project a false aura of enjoyment and romance
sickens me, through and through
the thought of building a relationship with someone who knew nothing about me or how my head works is intimidating, thus i avoid that situation
i don't handle other peoples feelings well, and have trouble picking how i react/what's appropriate for the situation
i dont want to hurt people, and at the risk of sounding narcissistic, i noticed i have a really bad habit of causing people to take on a sudden..
infatuation?
i dont want to make myself sound like i think im the most gorgeous and seductive sexy thing either
i am very much not that.
i myself am confused why these people who don't seem the emotional type are now suddenly wanting to cross the country to see me and talking about fucking children?? a month into talking romantically?
i liked him too.. a pity.

deep down though i knew that..
there's only one person i feel safe around
one person who can calm me by just seeing his face
one person who's face i still see in the crowd
and leaves my heart racing every time i do

anyways..

in actuality, my purpose for being sexual before my isolation period wasnt romantically driven in the slightest
with a few exceptions, of course
everyone has a couple right?

but it wasnt even the sensation of sex i was after
honestly its kind of overrated, coming from someone who has done a downright sinful number of sexual activities

it was the power i had in those moments
a subtle, wordless lead
men twice my size thinking they got lucky
a tiny waisted, long haired feminine twink whos willing to bed them

but when we got down to it, it wasnt me gritting their teeth
being able to understand how people work is a gift, and sex was no different to me

each time, it was just to know I'd done it
to see what tricks I could pull
pleasing the other party was a happen of circumstance, my actions were purely selfish in nature

thanks to being removed from society for so long, my romantic and sexual drive has all but left me. With time in my hands, I've been able to realize these things about myself
I've had awhile to plunge deep into myself
and find all the shiny bits in the muddy sea floor
of my soul
and use them to reflect the parts of me that were broken, or burnt out

turns out, there's a lot more than i thought

im pretty fucked

but maybe, there's some benefit to this new insight that I've been given

some people go their whole lives without even scratching the surface of who they are, or what growth and mental power they can achieve

the ability to take anything people throw at you, because it's not worse than the darkness inside

nothing is

rage rolls off me as fast as it comes on,
a hot flash lasting only seconds before i neutralize

part of it is I just dont have the energy to be like other people
so.. energetic
loud
pointlessly wasting their oxygen and raising their word count but not actually saying anything
ive been told I'm quiet my whole life, only now do I get why I'm that way

huh.
kinda interesting how most of these fundamental aspects of myself, in hindsight, have always been there
in maturity i can just see them

my experience felt like a prison with a cushy interior that I couldn't enjoy because i was bound in my own head
just fucking reeling
i know what i feel the solution is
but it's so far away from where I'm at now

tragic

i am the worst kind of ex
i haven't let go, in
.. how long as it been since..?
a year or two?
almost six since~
if i just had an answer..

any answer
if the idea of how you see me i have now is true,
then i gotta admit
not an answer that really provides any... closure
or like.. explanation?
im just so in the dark
I've gotten pretty comfortable, locked away in someone else's memories
i wonder if they've ever visited that memory
once, twice
so many questions
i couldn't ask looking in your eyes

aaanyways, i doubt anyones made it this far
1000 words huh? that's wild