Vent

because

I destroy my lungs because I hate myself
i like masks because they hide my face
i have long hair because it widens my horse head
i wear baggy clothes because I'm too skinny
I do drag because I want to be attractive
I bite my tongue because I'd rather internalize
I have a messy room because I don't respect my space
I make my bed daily because I'm not off the deep end yet
I shower often because I don't want people to gossip that I smell when I'm not around
I say sorry when people bump into me because I'd rather them just leave me alone
I can walk down the court in dodgeball because no one notices me
I was sent to alternative school because of a fight someone else started and the principal didn't even know I was there
I smoke so much because without being high, I can't function because my anxiety makes me physically ill
I can't eat, or sleep, or socialize.
I just feel so empty and afraid
because i have nothing else to make me feel good
I have no one to love me the way I need
i love myself because I have to
because if I quit holding myself up, then I will collapse
my spirit would sink into my body, and I would give up trying to stay focused and exist zoned out, refusing to be
but I don't want that
because I want to live in spite of all of these feelings
I want to prove the people who think I'm a strong person right
I don't want to disappoint people who rely on me for anything
because id rather die than be a loser
id rather die than be an outcast by anyone else's choice other than mine