Vent

I fuck up

I've been stuck in a rut where my days feel like they've attached dusk and dawn and it's one continuous loop of consciousness

wake up
drugs
sit, for hours, staring at the trees
get bored
stare more
drugs
a bite of my dinner
sit awake at night
get bored
crash
and repeat

I don't know what time is, and I don't know who I am

I've done all this searching and for what
all I find are the bits and pieces left behind by people who decided what parts of me they liked or didn't like before discarding me for being boring
or too tired
or too needy
or too crazy

I would never give someone the power to control me, but power is taken from me by my memories that will never fade and will never let me move on
it's like being forced to watch yourself repeat the same mistakes

over and over and over again

watching helplessly in my minds eye as the sun sets and the moon rises, and knowing that come morning, starts the darkest years of your life
Watching myself go into his house at one in the morning to fuck him on the ground and pretending like what I was doing had some meaning. Like
this one, just this one, will somehow answer every question I have of myself,
but the answer is a somber ring. A tone of rejection I've come quite accustomed to.
every single time I watch my heart break

over and over and over again

I had a wonder in my eyes for the world around me. It was bright, and new.
I had just figured out who I loved before I ended up here, 7 years later,
a horribly depressed, empty, love barren version of the child my mother brought into this world
I just want my jagged edges to fit