Vent

Envy

My life hasn't been as bad as it could have been.
There are differences between myself and my peers, though
that I can't ignore

I wasn't the kid who did extra curricular activities
or committed to a team, in fact I hate team sports

relying on others has always made me uncomfortable

I didn't have many friends until high school,
Where I found decent people
Some good, some bad.
Even then, I wasn't homecoming king

I guess one could say the reason my experience with high school wasn't normal because of my own choices, which i can't argue with

But the circumstances that built me to make those choices
The pain that I experienced that pushed me to those limits
that is what my thoughts keep relaying

I envy my peers who were just concerned about grades, crushes and prom.
I miss the simple butterflies of a crush,
Without the knowledge that I will inevitably either hurt or be hurt if it continues

I kinda wish I had memories that didn't involve trouble, drugs or pain.
Sometimes, I crave knowing how simple of a life that is
What those kids had

I'm not happy I'm not normal
but if I were
I wouldn't know the depths of myself
that I've had to discover because of trauma
i wouldn't know my limits,
partying wise and emotionally
even sexually
ive lived beyond my years as an adult but I don't have any impactful memories or cheerful times to look back on with nostalgia in ten years, if I make it

that part I envy