Vent

deep end

I remember when I was a kid, I had always had pushed myself to reach the bottom of the deep end.
for no reason other than I wanted to, and couldn't be stopped from disappearing under the water
Even almost broke my toe hitting the bottom
and one day, I wanted to lay on the bottom of the 12 foot.

so I dove down with as much air in my chest as I could bear, and looked through my goggles at the shimmering water above me

I recognize now that the weird feeling I got staring from beneath the surface was loneliness.
I was so focused on getting to the bottom of the pool, I ignored everyone having fun around me and had no one to celebrate my achievement with besides myself.
Which is victory regardless, but it's still solitary in nature

I've really carried that attitude into adulthood I guess.
I focus so much on the task at hand and become blind to other things and people around me
but at the same time, dying from feeling trapped at the bottom
Unable to be comfortable around anyone because I've been laying against the tile forever

i wish someone got how I felt
someone who just knew that sometimes I want to kiss the skin from their bones, but other days want just to sleep and not be touched or speak
I'm exhausted of explaining it to people, so I don't bother making new connections because they wouldn't know how to interact appropriately with me
And it wouldn't be fair to either of us if I hated the dynamic, it would just be a false relationship
so I'd rather be alone than try to catch someone up on the AP Therapy lecture that is my mental and emotion process and how drastically they can shift
but whatever, what good does a whole new person crashing into my life do
just makes a mess
tch, why bother
just let me rot.