Forever Together (MaxTul)

10- Did you think about me?

Tul POV

I am so relieved that I was able to stop him. I don't know what would have happened to us if he hadn't stopped himself! We already have a bad relationship now, I really don't want to lose him completely. Anyway, deep down I was sure he wouldn't do anything bad to me.

I felt a little ashamed, even though it was completely stupid, it was like I had cheated on him... That's how I felt, and that was what Max's reaction told me. But it was just absurd, Max didn't have those kinds of feelings towards me... Then why did he react so strongly and why did I feel guilty?

We stayed like this in silence for about five minutes before I heard him say in a trembling voice, "I'm really sorry... I don't know why I acted like that, please forgive me. I guess imagining you enjoying your life while I was here having a hard time hurt me. I guess I wanted you to get hurt, too. But I have no right to hurt you, so I'm really sorry, Tul. I won't bother you anymore!"

Hearing Max, my heart sank! what did his last sentence mean...he won't bother me?...but I just want you to bother me, damn it!!!! I thought.

I know Max felt guilty and so did I... we were both guilty but I feel like that phone call really hurt him!!!! I couldn't let him go, it wasn't possible! I pushed myself up and went to hug him from behind and locked him where he was sitting! I really don't want him to go now!... As I hugged him tightly, I heard him chuckle and sigh...

"I don't even know why I got so crazy!" "Why would I? I'm not even someone in your life, right... so what right do I have to be mad?" He looked at me with a cold smile, his eyes were blank, devoid of any emotion... There were tears in his eyes. I've never seen Max crying before... The sight of Max trying to hold back his tears shook me so much that I didn't even realize I was starting to cry too.

He continued to look me in the eye, "Did you ever think about me? Did you ever cry yourself to sleep because you were powerless and didn't know what to do? Did you call out for me in the middle of the night when you were awake because you couldn't stand the pain? Did you ever reminisce about our time together? It's been three years since you've been gone! Did you ever ask your friends about me... because if you had, you'd know how hard it was for me to get through the time when I couldn't seem to get you out of my mind, how much I missed you, how I struggled to get back on my feet and live again... But you were there, living your life, even having someone in your life who didn't give a shit about me at all... Woah, that's crazy shit! I've never felt like an idiot in my life, even when you left me ... But today you make me feel like the dumbest guy in the world who wasted three years of his life waiting for someone who doesn't even care...."

When I heard Max ask me all these questions I was shocked, I could feel all his pain; it felt like every question he asked me someone was stabbing me, I knew it would be hard for Max if I left since we were together almost all the time but the way he worded things and the way he asked these questions made me feel like I had broken up with him and cheated on him with someone else, it seemed like our relationship was more than I thought before... Could it be that Max was the same as me... could it be that he has feelings for me too?

After hearing him, my tears couldn't stop falling. I realized how deeply I hurt him, how hard it must have been for him these past 3 years. He was hurt just as much as I was... No, he was even more hurt... How could things have escalated like that? How could I not see what I really meant to him?

He pulled on my hand which was hugging him tightly, I didn't know how to react, all I knew was that I didn't want him to leave now! but he turned to me and with a bitter smile, he added, "You know, it's been three years since I've been this confused, can you let me understand? Because I've always tried to give you the best of me since I met you, I thought our relationship was special, maybe I was blind or maybe it was just on my side... But I know I wasn't tripping or imagining things, we had something special so I still can't understand why. So can you tell me what you want from me?"

I know it was my last chance to tell him what was on my mind, I could see him trying to control himself to stay calm. Either way, it was a truth he needed to know, and there was no way for me to back down now.

I gather all my courage and begin, "I know what I did then was over the top, I'm so sorry I tore your heart apart that day, and I'm even sorry I hurt you again tonight, maybe this is the last time I'll ever hold you like that, maybe tonight is my last chance to talk to you, but I want to apologize to you very, very sincerely... I know I made a big mistake, and now I have to face the fact that I should have been a stronger man back then. So can you please give me a minute before you go, can you hear my plea?"

After I said that, I looked at him and he looked me straight in the eye... I could still see the anger in his eyes, but there was also a bit of gentleness... I swallowed before sitting down next to him. We were now sitting side by side on my bed, I took his hands and I could feel him looking at my wrists, which were red from him grabbing me violently a moment ago. I took my hands back and put them behind me... I gave him a small smile to reassure him... He looked at his own hands for a moment and said softly "go ahead, I'm all ears"

****

When Max saw Tuls wrists he couldn't help but remember the things he had tried to do a moment ago. It made him angry at himself, how could he try to hurt the person he loved!!! He couldn't look Tul in the eye anymore, he was just too ashamed of himself. But he knew that Tul needed his attention, it wasn't easy for him to talk about what had happened... So Max did his best to calm himself down.