Forever Together (MaxTul)

11-I rather love you

Tul POV

I only hope that my feelings will reach him and that we will at least be as we were before. I've screwed things up between us and I'm desperate to fix our problem. I'm just tired now, I have pretended to be strong long enough now. The truth is that life is so pointless without him... I want my Maxii back, I miss him, I have come to understand that he had become my happiness without me knowing it.

So I sat next to him, I gathered all my courage and I started.

"How should I start, there are so many things I need to tell you... But I guess I should start at the beginning of all this... um, remember the last time I kissed you? I told you it was the way I was going to show my feelings for the person I really love..." I looked at him and he just nodded to let me know he remembered and added, "And you told me you were joking and you disappeared after that..."

I smiled bitterly "yeah, what an idiot I was uhg... well, I was afraid of your reaction when I saw you were so shocked... but the truth is that I really tried to tell you how I felt about you... after that day, I tried to suppress my feelings and continue to be the friend you wanted me to be. And then Fai's scandal came up... To tell you the truth, that time was one of the hardest in my life... everyone turned their backs on me, the fans, the agency didn't even give me a chance to explain myself and fired me ... But since they told me it was for your own good, I didn't even complain, If it was the best to do for you, I was willing to do it... and then you call me." I looked at him and he was still looking at his hands or the floor, I don't know exactly, but I wanted him to look at me, I needed to see his eyes, I needed his encouragement to keep going ...

"Max, can you please look at me? I know you feel guilty about your behaviour earlier, but ... I'm confessing my feelings here... please look at me..."

I heard him sigh, and slowly he looked at me... ...now his eyes were soft and sad at the same time... it comforted me that he wasn't angry anymore... I took a long breath and added

"Maybe because there was so much going on, I didn't take the time to really understand what you were trying to say when you asked me not to meet for a while, and I took it literally. Just that sentence of yours hurt me a lot because you were the person I trusted the most and also the one I loved... I didn't have the courage to stay here because I have thought that you also turned your back on me, so I decided to leave."

"When I calmed down, I knew it wasn't what you meant, but I was already gone and I thought maybe I needed some time alone because I wanted to forget my feelings for you... because you wouldn't accept me, so I choose to stay there. I wanted to forget my love for you. And so I left the one I loved at home to be alone, but I soon found out that I was nothing without you... I was desperate to forget my feelings so I can come back, thus I thought that meeting someone else would help me forget about you... and that is how I met James" I felt him tense up when I started talking about James, but he didn't take his eyes off me.

I swallowed and continued "We got along just fine, but honestly it was a waste of time, you know... Because he wasn't you... I won't lie, we had a lot of fun even if it was fake. There was no love between us and we both knew there never would be. I made it clear to him that I couldn't love him, but James wouldn't back down... so I just let him be a friend. One day I drank a lot after I saw something on Twitter about you... ...a rumour that you were dating Prim... I was really sad, so I asked him to drink with me. We both ended up drunk, at least I was really drunk, and we did what you hear on the phone... But it was just that one time, I swear... it never happened again" I looked at Max's face to see his reaction, but I couldn't read anything... Every time I can't read his eyes, it scares me...

I took one of his hands "this incident made me realize a lot of things and that's why I can be here in front of you... because I figured out that I'd rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else; that I'd rather have hard times together than have it easy apart and finally, I'd rather have the one who holds my heart in my life... At least he'll be by my side."

I squeezed his hand because I was so nervous, I could see his gaze lingering on my wrist, but I was so nervous that I needed some sort of assurance, so I took his hand... I was so grateful to him for letting me talk without being interrupted, it wasn't easy for me to tell all this but I wanted him to know what I was really feeling even if I was afraid he would leave me... and even if he decides to leave me, I was the only one to blame anyway. 

"I can't blame you if you turn away from me as I did to you, I can only prove the things I say over time, I can see that you're tired and maybe you want me out of your life now, I know that I have made it so hard to love me after what I've done, but I'll put my pride and fear aside tonight to show you my heart and ask you not to let go of my hand, please? I... I love you, Maxi, can you give me another chance?"

After saying that last sentence, I could feel warm tears running down my cheeks. Max was still looking at me, and now I could see the tenderness, the regret, the love, the sadness in his gaze, it was just like before when he looked at me, back then I couldn't figure out why he sometimes looked at me with those sad eyes, but now I think I know the reason... 

He wiped away my tears and hugged me tightly. I did the same and hugged him tightly. I was really shy at that moment and didn't really know what to do after confessing my love to him like that... 

It was like I was doing this for the first time because it was always the other people who confessed to me first, plus I was so nervous to hear what Max would say in response; I couldn't help but tighten my grip and hug him even tighter like I didn't want him to leave me! We stayed like that for a minute or two before Max started talking.