or, alternatively Hotdog Flavoured Water / Suboxone for my Maleness
(another vent but not completely self-loathing as the last one.)
i really relate to all of Radiohead - Idioteque. it reminds me of right now.
i'm tired of not knowing but i know well enough that i, like anyone else who has ever lived, will live with that until i die. i just have to keep looking for a truth. plus, i'm only 18 years old. am i not supposed to not know everything? christ, i'm practically a fucking child. am i supposed to completely understand the world as a fucking child? not to mention the rest of my life. i'm allowed to make mistakes.
my general worldview nowadays feels like a Cubist painting. that's pretentious as shit, but it feels that way.
my mom was talking about how if she could make my sister fall into a career like her dad made her and my aunt, she'd make her be an ultrasound tech. obviously, this made me ask her what she'd make me do, and she said she thinks i would be a good teacher. i told her it "got my noggin a-joggin'", which wasn't bullshit. it geniunely made something click. i really can see me doing that. the thought of it was enough to make me want to get my shit together, which hasn't been a priority recently. i've just been pissing away time because i feel it's not worth it, which is a shitty attitude, i know, but sometimes it's like that. i think you'd understand.
i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone.
it was really nice out today. it was in and around the 50s.
i left my house in the afternoon and biked everywhere twice around town until it got dark, which was super cathartic, even if i was still a bit emo afterward. the sky was as big as a i write about it being here and absolutely clear, filled with huge blues and reds. the lake has started to thaw, but you can't really do anything it, so the stream between the shore and the ice sheet is completely still. there's this miles-long stillness that lines the beachfront. it's like a second sky. i was biking so fast i didnt fully pay attention to it until Kid A ended and i got tired. there was a lot of people outside today, too much if you ask me given the circumstances. but it's very nice to be reminded, to be shown, that there is a full world happening around you all the time and forever. there's baseball games, picnics, fathers and sons bikerides, derelict horizon-gazers, kids on longboard shooting film, people working the evening shift, children running around in the playgrounds, old couples walking, schools of fellow bike riders, old friends walking with their sisters, the works. the fatigue of a year in the bedroom goes away like it never was there in the first place whenever i'm shown it's always happening everywhere. looking at it from afar makes me feel like i'm with them all nevertheless. the world is indefatigably occuring.
after that, and after i got gas, and once it was evening, the blues of the sky became really faint as yellow and black closed in. the air still felt warm. the lights were low as i was driving home. my cheap ass aux cord is fucked, and i was about to drive, so i quickly picked out No Message/All Message to send me home. i know you hate those playlists, but fuck, did you ever knock them out of the park. especially on a night like this. i went to Dairy Queen to get ice cream for my mom and the lawn lit up from under the streetlights with the flies etching around, and the drive-thru was long, and i just imagined you were there with me. i kept pretending i was looking at you. i sang You, In Weird Cities to myself. Yo La Tengo - Green Arrow was playing which is just the perfect warm temperature evening song. i absolutely blasted Duster - Reed to Hillsborough, which i insist i never do unless it's absolutely necessary. i'm usually so so restrained with music but tonight needed to hear you. i let it play out on the highway and it did not let up. it will never let up.
