i don't have much to see this time around. i mean, i do actually. i have a lot more to say than usual, but i don't know what to make of any of it. i swear this won't just be a straight up vent, that would be exhausting.
actually, you know what? this is gonna be a straight up vent. i have nothing that i want to say that isn't self-loathing.
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i have way too hard of a time saying 'no', to the point where it has gotten me in danger. i'm possibly fucking sick. i'm stupidly naive. i'm prone to denial. i care way too much. i'm aggressively self-righteous. i have to be babied constantly, i can never make my own decisions. i need constant reassurance because for some reason i'm insecure. and yet, i'm still reckless. whenever i try to do the 'right thing', i often times end up doing something more damaging that what i was trying to avoid. i claim to be so pragmatic but will immediately trash whatever that pragmatism was working towards on my inability to upset people, even if they're complete shitbags. admitting to any of this doesn't make it any less true, but i don't see how i could change, either. i know i can't criticize what i used to criticize to shit. you know, the nihilism, the antimaskers and antivaxxers, the cowards. i can't because i'd be a hypocrite if i did. is my stunt me acting any better than them?
maybe this is all hyperbolic and it really isn't so bad, and that's another thing in itself. i never seem to ever have a grasp on what's going on. i lean too extreme onto one side totally faithfully: all-or-nothing. it's ridiculous. i used to write in high school essays that if "an individual cannot recognize the reality of their circumstances, then they will be blind to face them", which is very ironic of me. look at where i'm at now: a champion dumbass, but whose skill at that is only made by his lack of it. i'm good only because i'm not.
i kind of deserve to be 'alone': i'm a child, i couldn't handle a relationship. maybe that sets me ahead of others for being able to recognize that, but it doesn't make me feel any better. i wish it wasn't that way. i know i claim that i'm alright without 'someone', but i know that isn't entirely true. it would be nice, but at the same time, i feel like i don't know how i'd speak to a partner. i don't know how to communicate romantically, but again, i'm only a child. if it wasn't like this, i guess then i wouldn't have much to write about, or i'd be a better writer, i don't know. what does it matter, anyway? what's even the point to stories? why repeat to yourself what has already happened, and on top of that, what's so interesting about what happened in the first place? what's more pointless, the story or what it's based on? why have art, but more importantly, why have anything at all?
i'm embarrassed to be who i am and everyone is way smarter than me. everyone thinks that though, but that doesn't change anything.
if i have COVID, i deserve it. stupid gets what stupid asks for.
also, fuck you Jeff.
