while i was walking my dog, i saw these two guys parked beside each other. one guy was playing music and they were both dancing in their seats. i tried to make sure they couldn't tell i was looking at them, i do that with everyone, but i think i remember the one guy noticing me, maybe even taunting me to take a little bit of his good time. he was wearing sunglasses, his designer stubble was glazed in sweat, his neck was red from a tan, he had a good jawline - i don't give a shit about any of that. in the moment, i hated them for dancing, for feeling any degree of good about anything. this is not the era to feel good about anything. it wasn't conscious hate. i didn't think about all the shit i had to go through only for them to insult me with not also going through it themselves, i barely have anything to go through. it was pure instinct. i am suspect to any adult having fun outdoors these days. 8 times out of 10, it means they're ignoring COVID. these guys weren't doing anything wrong, i think. i just hated them for looking like they felt good. maybe that says something about me that i don't understand yet.
-
i think 'boredom' isn't the right word for how i feel, but i'll say it's how i feel anyway just to lead me to the point of saying that i hate being fucking bored. it's like the one scene in Mike Leigh's Naked (a movie i have never actually seen) where the one guy is insulted by people saying they are bored because they'll "have the living body explained to you and you're bored with it, you've had the universe explained to you and you're bored with it", and i agree with that wholesale. i hate it as much as that guy seems to hate it, but i hate it because i feel like i'm the people he's talking about. how could i be disinterested in a time like this? this is probably the most interesting time that has ever happened, and it's not enough? is anything ever enough?
-
i want to be annoying about a person again. i think i can wait on it, though. i wait for everything else anyway.
-
i kind of don't like saying 'cute'. it's not like the word doesn't have its purpose, i think a lot of things are cute, it just doesn't seem to carry its weight half the time. 'cute' feels too minor when i usually want something heavier. i like 'pretty' better. it's the right amount of tender and while still packing a bit of a punch. to me, 'cute' goes well with prefacing it with 'kind of', while 'pretty' can stand on its own.
-
i would fucking hate to be famous, like famous-famous. having celebrity status would be absolutely nauseating for me. i assume it would be nauseating for most people, with the exception of a few of the bunch who actually have to deal with it, give-or-take. i greatly value my ability to fly low. i couldn't do that if most people recognized me. on top of that, i hate attention in high doses and i only surround myself with people who i know all genuinely want to be around me. i can get why famous people can often be unhappy over them being famous. it would drive me up the fucking wall, too. i think i could deal with a cult following though. you know, like a small readership. a few nerds reading my stuff and not be all that interested in me as a person, like, they wouldn't hound me in the streets. it would be about the work, not really who made it. i could deal with that. i think it's dumb to seek that out, though, even if i find it more respectable than seeking full-blown fame. give a shit about the work first and foremost. if a lot of people like it, then cool. but, in my humble opinion, one must be willing to still be excited about whatever they're doing even at the thought of no one seeing it. if not, one may be distracted by shit that doesn't matter, like "what will they think if i write this". my answer to that is to actually write it and find out what they'll think of it for yourself.
-
i want to call again, too. it's been a while for us since we'd have one for as long as we tend to have them, but our Wattpad posts are holding me over. hopefully we haven't exhausted everything we have to say in them, though.
