I'm going to attempt to crank out stream-of-consciousness posts every couple of days. Don't expect anything to literary. This is all straight off the dome.
Everything in my life is totally out to fucking lunch and I have no idea what to do about it. College is a fucking gongshow. My relationship with my family is disintegrating in a very serious way even after my mom first started accepting J--y, which feels conditional. Given the fact she refuses to gender them correctly, is totally cool with K--e shit-talking, and seems eager to not include them to shit she invites them to, it seems somewhat safe to feel that another fucking conflict is a-brewing. On top of and because of that, my relationship with J--y isn't exactly stable. We're a resolute ship, but there's issues. I won't vent them out here, but there are. Pretty serious ones. It doesn't help that my friendships are all riddled with fucking issues - Red Deer, Sylvan, East Stroudsburg. I'm losing grip on everyone. Fucking Ew-n and The Gang have tendencies that offput to straight up unnerve me, but I'm not worried about it. It's nothing we haven't been given the space to talk about. The Boys in Sylvan on the other hand I feel virtually completely disconnected from. Don't even get me started about my fucking sister, who I think is at a legitimate risk for alcoholism. I am also closer than I ever have to being diagnosed with ADHD. I need to move the fuck out of Red Deer. I need autonomy. I need respect. I need this to be resolved. I need freedom. I need to end this Angry Young Man schtick. There's so much of me now you haven't be caught up to speed with. Everything is fucked. Yet, I'm still hopeful.
I'm caught between five worlds: my family, my old friends, my new friends, and my partner.
I don't know what else to say. To quote Dean and Gene Ween, I'm waving my dick in the wind.
I'm so lost, but I'm more eager than ever to get found.
