to my new readers, if there really are any:
go away. don't look at this, don't look at me, don't touch me, don't come near me, don't think about me, don't try and speak to me, and God forbid you ever try and speak about me or any of this to anyone. you step to me even remotely and i'm kicking your ass, and if you make this personal, i'm fucking your mom. best believe i'll feel empty afterwards, but don't you think for a minute that after i'm through your mom's roast beef, you're off the hook. then you'd miss out on a spoken word show with material based off my experiences turning your mom's Arby's into a Twinkie, just for you! i want you to feel special, just like how i made your mom feel special, but i'll never have sex with you. ew, gross. i'd punch you out before i even shaked your Crypt Keeper-hands after we strike a deal for one of us to remove ourselves from living, which would be one of you because i hate you, no matter who you are.
you don't know me. you don't know what i look like. you might not know my name, but i'm not entirely certain about whether or not i've mentioned it here, or if some of you are nosey little shits and have done some digging and have discovered my cover-to-cover personhood (which wouldn't be that hard to do). but i digress, i still have the power. you can never be certain about how i act, because for all you know, i've been lying to you this entire time. this isn't autofiction, this is self-aggrandizement, bitch. you're in my house, Flo Rida. if you're confused by my writing, or who it's addressed to, or what i'm even talking about, then that's not my problem. oops!
hopefully we got the ground rules out of the way. since there's nothing i can do about you people since i'm posting these publically, i'll let you stay. but if there's any funny business, i'm a man of my word. your family is getting fully vaccinated with Pound Town, on the house: one dose for you made with my fresh fists grilled against your face, the other for your mom made with my penis in her wherever. deal? deal.
let's keep the ball rolling.
