I have made the decision to get to a place where I can get out of 'here'. It's something I have wanted to do for a long time. I'm hardly in the fucking mood to be abstract about it, but honestly, it's hard to specifically define where 'here' is. By my own rules, that really hampers my plans of getting out of there. You can't get what you want if you don't know what you want. But I do know what I want: I want to have ambitions again. The something that I want to do is that I want to do something. I want to have goals. I want to have dreams again. I want to do whatever I have to to find and get them. I want to leave the rut of the sempiternal cloudy oppression of my bedroom and live in places outside of it. I want to be critical of the world around me again. I want to actively oppose systems and be critical of power. I want to live, man. I want to live again. I want to believe in things. I want to work for something, and I want it to hurt but I won't have to care because I'll believe in it too much. I am so, so, so fucking tired of wasted time and wasting space. I want to be a part of the human race, and I am absolutely determined to get there. I am going to get there. I don't really have anything else to do, anyway.
Frank Zappa once said, "If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it." I'm thinking about that quote a lot now. It's because I am uncomfortable knowing I'm gunning for a Bachelor's of Education with a major in English because my mom thinks I should do it. I don't know how to describe how I feel about it. It almost makes me a little angry. Admitting to that makes me feel obviously fucking childish and stupid, and it's not in the "oh, don't be so hard on yourself" kind of way, it's just legitimately fucking childish and stupid. If I don't want to do it, then just don't fucking do it. Simple as that. But, man, honestly, it's not as simple as that. The part of me that isn't an asshole to myself knows it's not that simple, but also knows that it's not as bad as it seems. It's not that I don't like the idea of doing that in college, I actually really do. More than I thought I would. But I don't like the feeling that I can't do anything for myself, that I have to be told what to do instead of making that decision on my own. That's as best as I can put it. I just really don't like that latter thought. I haven't for as long as I can remember. The limits of my own agency have been one of my longest-running dilemmas. It's why possibly having undiagnosed ADHD was such a revelatory idea to me last year. However, the truth is that I haven't 'lost' my agency or that I never had any to begin with, the truth is that I'm just a kid. I should stop being so afraid of making the wrong move and actually start making them. I'll never know how it goes until I try. It's not like I can't just change plans, which is something I'm already really good at. It's going to be okay, I just need to keep thinking about it.
I don't know. What bits do you mean? That's probably too loaded of a question. The Rambles-Antirambles circuit is halfway to a void, we can come here to expel whatever to no one even though we're both reading.
Sometimes I think I should think about you less. I think you're too far away, and because of that, there's no use in wanting it to be different, in wanting to be closer. So then, as an ethic, I keep to myself. But you always remind me that I don't have to.
I always wonder who you're really talking about.
I know we are (I think you're talking about me. God, I'd be stupid if you actually aren't). I like knowing that.
I know it hurts. If I could make it better, I would. I wish I didn't feel so removed from you. I don't want to keep you feeling alone.
Years from now, after we've written like 200 of these, I'd kill to know what I'd do with them. I know I'd die if it has been a while since I've read them. I can imagine it being a The The - This Is The Day situation where I'll stay up all night reading them and smile think how much I've changed since then. I wonder when that will be. Maybe the early 2030s? Maybe I'll publish them all into a blog or a book like Shouting the Poetic Truths of High School Journal Keepers for nobody but us. Maybe it'll be like Kerouac's letters, Gen Z's beat poets will have their PMs anthologized instead of their letters, which they don't write anyway. I hope this lasts for a long time, for a lifetime even. I don't want this to be just a couple of years.
I love your worlds as much as you love mine, maybe more so. Who's to ever really say, we're talking about thoughts. Nobody will ever really know each other's.
Your compliments beat mine to shit. You know how to make a person feel love. It's redundant to even remind you, but you're John Coltrane with being sweet. You work it like the best of them. I'm so lucky to know you.
Dancing about shapes and colours! Floating! Twirling! Twisting!
In and out,
Up and down, forever, everywhere
Mouths shooting glee, our eyes and theirs
Like twinkling strobe light stars, entangled in joy! Sick from it in love!
Back and forth,
Back and forth
We're all living it:
This movie's music is forever, everywhere
