Sometimes I feel bad that I've never been intimate with anyone. No amount of telling myself that "although I know I'll stuggle, I'll do my best to never get tired" undoes that feeling. I would look back on the past beat myself up over why I never looked for it, but honestly - and this is going to sound like a half-hearted cliche - it's in the past. I can't change it. All I can change is now. But now is kind of difficult, with my own self-image and the pandemic and all. Mind you, both are getting better (my self image far more so than the pandemic, which I have begun to believe will never meaningfully go away), but - I don't know. I still feel a little bad. I feel kind of empty because of it, like the only things I have to talk about are the books and records of other people: I don't have the stories of my friends or my heroes, so I supplement where mine would have gone with theirs. Because of that, sometimes it's hard for me to think anyone would want me. I feel so mediocre but weird at the same time. I can't imagine ant stranger seeing me and thinking I'd be cool enough to talk to, and if somehow they did, I can't guarantee I'd fulfill that.
Maybe these feelings are more complex. Maybe it's little bit more fucked up than I let on to myself. Maybe the problem is not that I can't imagine anyone liking me but that I can't imagine socially desirable people liking me. I don't know. When have I ever given a shit about that? What is it matter?
I'm trying not to be a dick to myself these days, but you can't just will feelings away in an instant, so all I can do is confront them. I haven't given up yet. I have decided that I refuse to give up on myself. I never have really, but I sure as shit never will. I might feel like I suck, but I won't submit to that. I can't when I'm going to die one day. I will never get tired.
