I think if either of us is embarrassed by any one of our posts, we told the truth in them.
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I know we both tell each other not to read these if we don't want to, but let's not kid ourselves. We always read these regardless.
But the sentiment alone has a truth to it. I don't want you to get too worried about me. I'm not saying don't worry. I have never been able to stop you. Just don't think I'm going to pull any stunts. I'm not like that. I'm sorry. What I'm trying to say is that I think I got this.
I annoy myself to no end and I don't know why sometimes.
I don't know what to say. My head feels kind of cloudy. I keep talking to myself in my car about all of this, but I don't know how to get it out to other people. I kind of don't believe there is anything to get out.
I would say I feel kind of lonely these days but 'lonely' doesn't feel right. I'm around people, even though it's never for very long. I think I just feel disconnected from them for whatever reason: a square peg in a community of round holes. Maybe that's a mild case of the D-word. I don't know. Maybe I don't feel as bad as I think I do.
It's not that I can't speak, it's that my words don't mean anything.
I shouldn't feel shitty. I should feel good. This is a good time for me. Even if this might not what I ultimately want, this is a good time. That is for sure. That's not just some shit I tell myself because I have to. I know it to be true. This is a good time. So I don't know why I'm this unsure of myself.
I don't want to feel bad. I don't want to not like myself anymore. I don't like feeling like this. I don't know what the point of it is anymore, like, was treating myself like shit supposed to teach me some kind of lesson? Does everyone secretly feel this way?
It's so trivial and stupid. I'm so trivial and stupid. I don't know why I even bother talking about this stuff. Honest to God - and I know you would disagree with me on this - but I do not deserve to feel bad. I am not allowed to feel bad. I really mean that. I got it too good.
I don't want to feel shitty. I don't want to treat myself badly. I don't want there to be something wrong with me. I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to let myself down. I don't like the thought that everyone is judging me even though I seem to try very hard to get them to judge me. One time my dad said to me that I'm "instantly likable" and should "try to use my superpowers for good, not evil" (that is something he has told me a lot). I sure don't feel like that. (I hope he is right). Or do I? Is this whole self-pity just a covert narcissistic charade? I don't know. Is there something wrong with me?
Also, I really should stop fucking prefacing everything I have to say while talking in class with "I am incredibly stupid". This self-pity shit is not attractive. It's kind of repugnant. And it is not a joke. It's not an icebreaker. It's you airing your dirty laundry. It's obnoxious. I hope nobody thinks about it. No, too late. One of my instructors brought it up to me. I hope nobody is like "Ew, gross" about it. I hope people go more "Chill out" than "Ew, gross". I could take the former more than the latter.
Another thing, the Pure-OCD thing. I know it seems stupid like it's medicalizing something that literally everyone on earth experiences all the time forever. But, like, I don't know. It's fucking distressing. I don't know. Why am I asking for pity? I am extremely pathetic. Or something. I don't know. Am I sincere when I say that?
I want to wake up tomorrow and feel better.
I already kind of feel better writing all this. I've been not super regularly exercise to stave off the cold. It's helping a bit.
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I've started journaling regularly. This used to be my primary journal, but most of my writing is elsewhere (Bitch!). It's less linear than these. I write all over the place about my day and ideas. Today I wrote about the same bunch of kids I write about anyway. I hope they find it really weird that I psychoanalyze them despite being a borderline stranger to them. A part of me takes genuine pride in that.
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The term is almost over. I never thought I'd feel this ever but sometimes I get kind of bummed when I see my courses start to wrap up.
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This whole thing with A---- has got me down for multiple reasons. I don't know what else to say about it that I already haven't. I've barely talked to her.
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I have a really pretty dream about this Appalachian mountain that floated down this river, even if dream me was terrified the whole time.
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I don't know. I know we've barely been talking, but I still love you no matter what.
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(the empty space between dashes is supposed to represent how much i dont have to say. avant garde!)
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