It's the new year and I don't feel any different. My head is foggy. I haven't left my house much for the last two weeks. I've had no reason to. It's been fucking cold and my classes have all gone online because of Omicron. I've barely read or listened to anything outside of what I usually do. I've barely done much of anything at all. I've barely done what I have to for class, and I know that will soon bite me in the ass hard. I did try picking up running, which went strong for a couple of day, until I decided to all but give up wanting anything better for myself. I have resigned to my bed and solitude and binging. I'm back to square one.
It's the same shit I always talk about in these.
I don't want to feel like this forever. I know I literally won't, but eventually feeling better feels pointless when I'll just as quickly go back to telling myself I'm a bad person. That makes it feel like the standard.
I can accept feeling shitty on occasion. That's integral to being human. But what I can't accept is feeling like I'm shitty by default. I just don't know how to undo that. I don't even know why I feel that way.
I don't want it to be eight or even two years from now and still have very little to show for myself and a low self-esteem. I want to look back on this point in my life and think "Wow, I'm glad I don't feel like that anymore. I'm glad I have come as far as I have." And I want that time to be soon. I don't want to keep looking at these posts and being surprised with how much I still relate to them.
I want to feel better, or at least I think I do.
I don't know how to do that though. I can't really articulate why I even feel so glum. A mild clinical depression? Pure OCD? Living through a mass-death event? Canadian winter? All of the above? I don't know. I don't know how to know that, either. When there's a will, there's a way, I guess.
I hope I get better this year.
~
I don't know what else to talk about. I just wanted to get it out somewhere that I feel like shit without downplaying it. I know I can do that here, but I hope it doesn't stress you out. I can handle myself, but I will forever appreciate you being my friend. Very often I'm convinced I don't deserve that. Thank you for sticking by me in spite of that. I hope I never disappoint you.
