There's this Extinction Rebellion lecture I listen to while on walks that I have been piecing through over the past months, and there's this part that's stuck out in my head for weeks now. Their founder (whose name I forget), says something like "societal disintegration is made up of long stretches of boredom and very brief stretches of absolute terror". I don't know for sure if I'm living in a society that's disintegrating, and I've met few people who have, but something about that statement rings as absolutely true.
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I understand how nice it is to have closure, so I can understand why you know who is returning to all these people. But the part of me that has more self respect than it does emotional intelligence is fucking repelled by the idea that my 20s will begin with a social circle that is comprised of everyone I hated for good reason in high school. I don't want the past. I don't want to be 15-years-old forever. I want a future and I'm never going to leave you behind.
My mom would especially hate the way things are going. I know she wouldn't understand why J--- is befriending all these people again like I understand it, but I still hate it. I really fucking do. I know I'm not him, so I have no right to declare this, but I don't want to forgive them. I want to be a one-strike kind of guy from now on. I don't want to give them a second chance. I don't give a fuck if they have new therapists. They're not allowed in my life anymore. They can go find new friends to fuck up and they can go fuck themselves. "But Fartmagic," I hear you say, "aren't your talking to C----?" to which I say Yes, yes I am. And that's why I have complicated feelings about this. It's not like I don't understand J---. I'd be a hypocrite to say all this shit about hating his abusers and then being cool with who everyone (including C---- herself) says is mine. But maybe the difference is is that I don't want a future with her. I mean, it would be cool to see what's up with fucking DehNeez and all, but - I don't know, man. We have never been on the same wavelength. Our current chumminess seems mostly conditional on account of J---'s shenanigans and unsustainable on account of spending high school with her tormenting me. I don't want to go back.
Also, honestly, I've been fucked up over the thought that this suggests I'm about to ditch you for these people. I'm not blaming you for that. I know what it's been like. If I'm blaming anyone, I'm blaming myself. I am partially responsible for giving you the impression that I'm just gonna go back to C---- because I'm humouring talking to her at all, but I guess it's more complicated than that. I don't know. I'm sorry. You're one of the greatest people I've ever met and I'd be a scumbag for favouring these other God damn scumbags over someone as cool as you. That will not happen.
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Shit has been so strange and intense lately. If this were a year ago, you would have already gotten a Hope vs. Rome-scale post about it. But I don't know if I'm ready to write about something that I'm still living through. I don't know enough about what's going on still, despite nearly two weeks of this.
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I have been sooooooo lazy for weeks. I'm so behind on things I need to do. But I've loved calling you as much as we have. I miss you a lot. I always do, but these days I especially do.
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Why does it seem like I'm dating all my friends?
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I should start doing more of these.
