i decided to quit porn indefinitely because i have become apathetic about it. it's too habitual. i don't think about it when i should want to, so by 'quitting', i'll have no choice not to. but minutes after i made that decision, a part of me felt vacant. it seems i've cut out the primary way i express myself sexually. when i realized i felt like that, i knew i made the right decision. i need to get the fuck off the internet.
-
i'm very melancholic tonight. it's all creeping in now that i'm alone, but i'm tired of this shit. i don't want to feel bad anymore. i'm not sure that i never wanted to before, but i'm sure i don't want to now. what was ever the point of it, anyway?
-
one thing about quarantine that a relatively affluent and decently sizable segment of the population - which i am definitely a part of - is going to say when it's finally all 'over' is that they miss it. that doesn't sit right with me, but i treat everything like it's a fucking omen.
-
i hope the media artists of today realize that they owe their lives to Vince Collins and John Whitney Sr.
-
"i know there's a lot of self-proclaimed tough guys in the experimental animation world, but they're all fakes and phonies and they know it! i'm telling you, straight from the source, that i'm the real deal! i am a real tough guy! Jon Rafman, if you wanna step to me, i'll fucking step to you. meet me any time, anywhere, and i'll school you on how a real man handles business, bitch."
-
if the Montreal that Grimes described in the one Nardwuar video hasn't been gentrified out of existence (which it definitely has by now), i definitely want to live there. expats from Edmonton, Calgary, Halifax, Toronto, and Vancouver all coming together to get fucked up and make weird pop music? shut up and take my money!
-
i came up with this story while i was mowing the lawn about this Christain cult leader who loses his faith in what may or may not be the future where a shadowy cabal of satanic pedophiles rules the world. he rats out his rural commune to the Islamo-Fascist Gestapo to have them all find sweet release in the "morality pills" the outside world is mandated to take. he claims to do this out of benevolence, but he truly doesn't give a shit about his followers. taking the "morality pill" would drown one in perpetual bliss, but more importantly shape how you understand the world in giving you "morality". taking them, for the commune, would be a spiritual suicide. whatever medium it would be, it would mainly be about the cult leader and how he loses his faith in the whole project of the cult. he would be obsessed with sexual purity even though he would have sexual relationships with men, women, and children, which he claims to have for the sake of their sexual purity, which would be an open secret to the commune. sex would come up a lot. he would criticize the outside world for being nihilistic when he is really an active nihilist. he would be a pastor, and his nihilism would creep out into his sermons, which would catch the attention of the church government. though he is the leader, the church government would have the true authority over the commune. his followers, specifically the youngest of them, would speak in a very crude version of english as language would be limited by the doctrine of their quasi-evangelical Christianity, which would also be very fucking racist and misogynistic, as all the followers would be more or less white and neatly gendered. because of the ineffective farming methods out of luddism, food would be an issue on the communes, so the people born on them (i have yet to give them a nickname) would be physically smaller than the people who knew a world beforehand. it would be uncertain to the characters and the reader/viewer what year this actually takes place in, but it would be implied that there have been multiple generations born and living in the communes. the leader would be middle aged but implied to have been born in 2000. before their leader turned to the sect, he would have been studying to be a political philosophy scholar, but whatever event (which i feel would also be appropriate to leave vague) put the satanist pedophiles in power - if that event really ever occurred at all - sent him spiraling and desperate for faith. he would be influenced by Jacques Ellul. during the 'event', there would have been a movement of religious communes being set up in reaction to the shadowy cabal's New World Order, which once kept close contact with each other, but became totally disparate and decentralized after a sort of second Reconquista takes place in North America, which is how there is an "Islamo-Fascist Gestapo" at all. the 'event' may have pushed the Western world into a kind of post-secular state, rejecting science in favour of strange deviations of spirituality of all forms. around this time, there would be a massive demographic shift in the West with a huge migrant crisis, which would bring a lot of Muslims, whose descendants would later become the Gestapo. the Western nations of this time would be liberal in the way The Turner Diaries would portray liberals, which is why this migrant crisis occured at all. at some point post-'event', there would be a race war, because of course there would be (i'm not sure about including this part, i just want to explain the black nationalists who i mention later). the allegiances of the North American Islamists are convoluted for obvious reasons, given the fact i'm implying they're allied with satanic pedophiles, but ultimately they would be in it for their own aims. the actual location of the commune, and the locations of other communes, would be unknown to everyone outside of the church government within the commune, which they claim would be for the security of it. i would also make it vague to the reader/viewer, but wherever it does take place, the setting would have long winters and harsh summers. in line with the ideas of Jacques Ellul and their quasi-evangelical, quasi-Anabaptist Christianity, the communes would be super low-tech, which would also serve as a disguise for the Islamists as the communes would look run down enough to be abandoned - or, instead, they'd run like those Israeli settlements in Palestine with the rec centres and the strip malls and stuff, like a competely distinct and functional society from the NWO and company. i have not decided. the leader of the one in the story would think his desire to collaborate with the New World Order is totally transgressive because he is unaware that most communes already have collaborators in their administrations and that the whole movement is controlled opposition, alongside the Islamists and everyone else. within the commune, moles would be constantly suspected to be anyone by any means, which would warrant extreme punishment. usually they would suspect a follower to have "mind control" devices inside them, which usually they would attempt to thwart by faith healing, but they would not be against killing those who they suspect would make them vulnerable. the killing and suspicion would eventually be revealed to be meaningless and just a way to herd out undesirables. the shadowy cabal would have no true ideology and they are possibly in contact with aliens or something. Adolf Hitler would still be alive in this implied 2040s or 50s. he would be a derelict nomad with a band of devoted followers, who see him as a deity (again, not sure about this part either). there would be a group of socialist black nationalists based in the former American South who kind of intersect with the Islamists, but that would be left vague, like every other part of this world. how the communes portray the outside world would be both a place of rigid tyrannical control with the NWO and constant upheaval with the second Reconquista, which would be intentionally contradictory and ironic. i don't know what my intentions are. i guess you could call it an acid western. my working title for it is "The Legality of The Apple Trade", which is a shitty title, i know. it's kind of a shitty story, too. i don't know that to do with it. this is all i got so far.
