This is not a vent, nor is this meant to be artful or grammatically and syntactically correct. I guess you could call this a pure ramble. So, strap in. Some of this probably won't make sense.
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It's around 3 AM. I've wrapped up working on an assignment for the night with another larger one due tomorrow that I haven't even started yet looming. It's on me for not being more effective with managing my time. I just have not had my head in the game as much these last two weeks. I'm waiting to 'feel' it again but that's not happening. As far as I can tell, my grades are still good, but knock on fucking wood. Finals are coming up in a couple weeks. I feel kinda blue. I feel kinda stuck, like there's something I want to say but don't know how to and don't know why it even matters. That's a lie. Im just gonna tell the truth. The truth is is that i have been thinking a lot about how I have had all these creative ambitions my whole life that were extremely vague but i was undying passionate about. But since i started working to become a teacher, ive wondered if ive given up on them - if i even actually know what they are, if they're even worth it. There is an obvious solution to all of this and im working on it. I am in control of all of this. Which leads me to another thing: im not unhappy with what im doing, but i am wondering a lot about if ive become exactly who my parents want me to me instead of who i would want me to be. There was a time not too long ago when i had really ambitious and dumb plans to win over what i thought were my parents' waning approval of me, but now that ive accidentally achieved that years after i dismissed those plans, im wondering if i don't have the courage to be myself. I don't know what that means. I've never gone through with plans that i believed in despite other people calling them stupid. I feel like thats a worthwhile experience. I feel like i dont have the courage to do that and i dont like that. But i don't have any plans that im not already following through with. Sometimes i genuinely wonder if im actually in the right degree, which i feel guilty about. Idk what else i would do anyway. I hate admitting that even though nobody is saying i can't say that, and i lose more if i just ignored the feeling. I wonder if im using 100% of my brain. I wonder if im actually interested in anything at all. I hope everything will be okay. I hope i can make everything okay. This is dumb but it's worth talking about. That's it. Also, the title is a reference to Bret Easton Ellis's The Rules of Attraction, a book i have never read.
