Sulphuric Carbonate
The most distinctive thing about her appearance is the way her upper lip extends under her cheeks in slight hooks. It reminds me of the Sullustans from Star Wars, which makes me out to look like two different kinds of asshole. I swear I'm not trying to be a dick about it. It's not deformative or anything - it's incredibly slight. I actually think it's nice-looking, but I'm not attracted to her, which I don't mean disrespectfully. I'm just not.
She's slim and shorter, like probably something like 5'0 flat. Her posture is relaxed without her having to slouch. She almost seems too short to slouch. Her slip-on checkerboard Vans are suspiciously clean. She's always in hoodies like the rest of us. Hers have references to things I never paid attention to, like Unos Annus. She's alluded to liking MCR and Green Day, which has prompted me to compile mental lists of bands that start and end with Bomb The Music Industry!, even though we're not close. I barely think of her as a friend. We're more like coworkers: I just see her a lot at the place we both have to be at.
She seems cool, though. She seems to get along with anybody. She's the type of person that leads a conversation by virtue of being the most comfortable with themselves. She's gone into a lot of tangents about her dogs and roommates without ever seeming restrained about it. She never gets into any damning shit, of course, it's just that it never seems like she's careful her words as she says them to me. Talking with her is kind of one-sided, which I'm perfectly okay with. I like listening to other people explain themselves. Why else would I be writing any of this?
She seems mature but not like she has any real baggage, if I can say that without coming across as pompous (I am well aware of how fucking middle class I am). I can't see there being a ton holding her back at the moment. But again, it's way too soon for me to make that call. It's just the impression that I get. She's alluded to this older brother character though, who has severe enough ADHD to be held back something like 6 years in school. I cannot imagine that not being a channel or the source of a whole stream of issues.
Her and her apparently super tightknit group of friends/roommates come from this smaller town a few kilometers up north. I don't remember if I've ever been there and the only detail I could tell you about it - even after talking about to her and her friend about it for like 20 minutes - is that it's small and everyone knows each other because it is small. Also, they told me there's lots of drinking, because of course there is: it's fucking rural Canada. I know jack dick about this crew as of now. I couldn't tell you their injokes or even if they have any. I could only name one of them outside of Sulphur: Tyler, who seems like a little bitch. I know it's the type where everyone seems really open with each other - think "Camp Goggles". I joked about them being "pansexual and polyamorous" as we sat in front of our next class. I knew it was a lame thing to say and I simply said it to add more syllables to the air, but seemed to fit the vibe anyway.
She told me about this one weekend they all decided to go to a rave in Calgary, which resulted in lots of booze, hugging, creepy bearded men in flannel, sleep deprivation, $50 tips, Smash Mouth, and me asking bitch ass questions like "Were they playing like cool ambient techno shit or like really white EDM or something?", which she obviously couldn't answer. We were in the lineup to the Good Tims after class. It was busy and I was in front of her despite only being in line to talk to her. There were pockets of the clean-cut fashionable Asian kids and the maintenance people in front of us, sneaking in budging noses and sips of coffee through loose-fitting face masks. They were all divided by the amount of muck on their jackets. The TV on the pillar in the middle of us played nothing. I couldn't decide whether or not to make eye contact. My head was a faucet of shit I had no interest in feeling, and my thoughts - muted by listening in - were the drain.
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I'm solitary in college for the most part, which is both something I really like and don't. My social life there and in my young adulthood at large is in its pioneering years. It's largely untamed wilderness, with only the Old Country as reference. I'm nomadic. It's a feeling I haven't really gotten to truly feel for a long time. I was closed in by closed-circuit groups of friends all throughout high school and below. If I was alone, it was never for very long, which is nice in itself. The one drawback is that who you are seen as is largely at the mercy of everyone else. Now that I'm untethered, it's up to me. But as a transfer student, I won't be here very long. It's kind of a liminal space in the dictionary-true definition of the word, which I can enjoy. It would be cool to invade some group of kids while I'm here. That's the plan.
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I̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶ ̶l̶o̶t̶ ̶a̶b̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶ ̶r̶e̶c̶e̶n̶t̶l̶y̶.̶ ̶E̶v̶e̶r̶y̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶a̶l̶w̶a̶y̶s̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶e̶r̶c̶y̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶,̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶g̶e̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶r̶y̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶h̶a̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶d̶e̶a̶d̶l̶i̶n̶e̶.̶ ̶M̶y̶ ̶l̶i̶f̶e̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶b̶r̶a̶c̶k̶e̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶b̶y̶ ̶h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶w̶,̶ ̶w̶h̶i̶c̶h̶ ̶h̶a̶s̶ ̶p̶u̶s̶h̶e̶d̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶u̶p̶ ̶a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶t̶s̶ ̶v̶a̶l̶u̶e̶.̶
This fucking post is not working out like I would want it to. I don't like how I'm writing. Here's what I mean in this segment: I'm super aware of time now that I have to budget it all the time, so I'm thinking a lot about who I am and what I'm doing in that time. I'm thinking a lot about things like middle age dissatisfaction and missed opportunities. I'm thinking a lot about the chance of missing out. I'm thinking a lot about possibly having made the wrong moves now that I've pretty firmly made one successfully.
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Late at night, I act out this fantasy where I'm this future cult songwriter version of myself and I'm the subject of this documentary that I pollute with didactic irony to compensate for my competing narcissism and self-loathing. I always do this one monologue where I explain why I really hate "indie" rock.
