The thing that made me legitimately depressed about the thought of having ADHD was that it made me feel that I was disconnected from anything I thought I should be able to do. Nothing felt like it would ever be finished. I thought I'd never feel like that again, but I was wrong.
I don't know what I'm going to do about it. It doesn't feel bad enough for me to drop everything and do something about it. I think I'll just ride it out until spring when the term is over. I'm scared to "talk to" anyone about it for like thirty different reasons. I'll list some of them:
1. Medication scares the shit out of me for some strange, deeply hypcritical reason.
2. I don't want my parents to feel like they did anything wrong.
3. I do not want to become the ADHD stereotype of telling everyone in earshot I am a sufferer. That sounds petty, but I think being afraid of being reducing yourself to a thirteen-syllable term for a learning disorder that has vague justifications for existing is a legitimate fear.
4. I don't want to feel like I'm disabled. I don't want to be disabled, if you can even call it that. There's so much I want to do, and I don't want to find out I can't do any of it.
5. I don't want to pathologize normal human behaviour. I don't want to inhibit myself to be sold something. I don't want to join the legions of Gen Zers with a condition. That sounds horribly umempathetic and elitist, especially given my friends, but I'm being honest. I'm sure you understand.
6. I don't feel like I'm "bad enough".
7. I don't want to do this shit again. It was so embarassing the first time around. I feel like I got nothing done. I don't want to deal with it, but I can't shake the feeling something is wrong and could be better.
8. I don't want to overreact. That's pretty much just #5 reworded.
9. I don't want to consent to the techno-socio-medical-industrial-whatever complex.
Yeah. I don't know. I'll just ride it out until I forget about it.
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I don't want to evangelize about the Russian invasion of Ukraine. There's enough of that already. All I want to say is that the West reacting to war is as repellent to me as war itself, but I really don't think the "West" is alone in what it does.
Oppose war and imperialism everywhere.
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I feel shitty.
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I suddenly feel very intense imposter syndrome and my only solution is to just pretend like I belong where I am so nobody notices I really feel like I don't.
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I feel like I don't relate to my friends anymore, or at least some of them. I don
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I know I'm not even 20, but I feel I have very little to show for myself. I feel very boring.
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I feel like there is a pleasure in self-loathing but one that is worth rejecting. This whole thing is EXTREMELY
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You-know-who's boyfriend is Serbian, and apparently he's kind of like me, being upper middle class and all. But his dad is involved in some illegal shit. I don't know, I don't care.
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It's Tuesday and I still feel shitty. They lifted the mask mandates. I have some thoughts about that. Everyone still talking about Russia. My head feels foggy and I don't want to leave my room.
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I am completely divorced from the idea of cultural heritage.
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