while looking for a resume, i found this doc i made for Grant when we used to share each other's dreams. i wrote this on January 12th, 2019. i thought you'd find it interesting.
(for context, 'the girl' is Grace. 'my friend' is Kieran. i've definitely told you about this before.)
Out of respect for my friend, I'm not going to mention or even allude to who they are or their person of interest in question.
But before I go into anything, a little context:
Basically, this friend has - or had, depending on who you ask - a lot of interest in this girl I've known for years. I couldn't tell you if it's simply a crush or something more than that, I've only been fed that information in hints. Anyway, for a couple months they attempted a stable friendship after they talked a bunch at school, but it never went any further than that. The friend was too afraid to go any deeper, so a few months ago this friend decided they’d lost interest in this person. That's how it stands now.
Since my friend got interested in this girl, I've wanted to befriend her. I thought it was funny that she'd appear in my life the way she did with my friend. I wanted to know what they saw in her, and she also generally seemed like an interesting person. But as far as I could tell, my curiosity was just in terms of friendship and shit like that. I guess you could say it was somewhat shallow.
I'm starting to have biannual dreams about her.
Dream #1, between December 19-23th.
I was walking around this shipyard with the girl. I had the most vague sense of locality and environment, which left me and the girl in this metaphorical bubble where we had uncompromised attention on each other. I couldn't tell if the shipyard was abandoned or not. I remember that it vaguely seemed that there was a pretty sizable volume of work being done in the place - cargo being loaded onto the ships, workers moving about, welding sparks highlighting parts of the hulls of ships - but my perception was abstracted. Nothing and a lot was happening at the same time. It was some time either at the edge of summer right before the full transition to fall, or when fall becomes winter. It was overcast. The weather should have made things feel bleak and dreary, but it made me feel free and relaxed and warm. I don't remember of we were suited up for the weather or dressed how we'd usually be in hoodies and t-shirts, but that doesn't matter. We were walking along the dock and just telling each other stupid jokes and shit like that, just shooting the shit. I was surprised we were getting along so well. We got each other’s sense of humor. Somewhere along the line The Pixies were referenced. I told her this especially mean and dumb joke that she found really funny. She laughed a lot, but not hysterically. It didn't kill her, it was like she had to build up momentum to really laugh. Maybe she didn't understand whatever I said. I remember thinking to myself how much I liked how I was making her feel, but I never let that on to her. I bottled up that affection. I felt this really elevating warmth. It was blissful. I could have loved her.
At some point at the end of the dock, we met up with my entire family along with my dog Maddie waiting for us beside of the tree in my front yard. The yard and my family existed with in this frame that divided my house from the shipyard within intangible dimensions. It could have existed like a flat portal plane, like a giant photograph, or as the backdrop of a photo shoot. My family seemed to be dressed for the weather me and the girl were in, and spoke with us. I don't remember what we talked about. They seemed happy to see us.
Dream #2, December 30th.
Me, Jake and Chloe were shooting the shit in this warped version of our social studies class where the layout of our school was all fucked. The only significance of that to me would be that where our social class was in the dream is where the hallway leading to the gym is in real life, where I’ve had really meaningful conversation with the friend. Me and Jake were riffing, and I was looking out the door of the class, which lead straight to the common area (a glorified cafeteria), where the girl was sitting with a friend if hers. She was looking at me. Chloe was sarcastically degrading me again, which kind of annoyed me. Not as much as it usually would, but despite that, I signalled the girl to throw a fucking eraser into Chloe's stomach, which belted her good. She gasped in the way you would if your friend clocked you in the balls and you're trying to laugh it off. Jake found it hysterical. Nobody noticed the girl chucked the eraser but me, so I signalled her the OK, and she gave me this cool smirk. Our exchanges were oddly erotic.
Chloe had saved up enough money to buy this perfectly square mobile home in the middle of this weird trailer park. Everything around us looked fake, it was like a neighborhood of showhomes from an agriculture show, or the Björk - Human Behavior video. It was just before sunset and the night looked cozy. We walked in, and her pad was defined by strangely furnished bamboo floors, a small nightstand and a mattress beside it, Christmas lights illuminating the place, with Lego, building blocks, and Little People toys all over the floor. It was like if you got a 3-year-old and their withdrawn parent to decorate a room within one minute with everything they could find that was around them at the time of being told their instructions. Chloe seemed comfortable. I was kinda off put by the scene, but I was happy for her. I was glad she could live by and for herself for the first time in her life.
Dream #3, January 12th.
Me and the girl at the very back left corner of the English class we happen to share, where I usually sit alone. There could have been another person or two with us, but I don't remember. We're talking about our futures. I don't remember it as being so much a conversation as it was me listening to her, because it seems she spoke for me. She somehow knew how I felt. It seemed she both knew and was going through the same thing. She told me how earlier this week I kept sobbing over the thought being generally inadequate. She described it all for me but said it both as if it were her experience and recounting mine. She seemed to be upset and even tearing up while explaining it.
what i really get a kick out of is that it never occured to me until now that i kind of routinely construct these wonderful fantasies from projecting onto people who are at times total strangers to me.
