not a very good one, but not as self-loathing as the one before.
one of the first things i read about Pier Paolo Pasolini was his take on the May of 1968 protests. unlike the whole of the left at the time, who were ubiquitously creaming their boxers because holy shit this was a leftist mass movement in Europe & America, Pasolini thought it was in-fighting. he sympathized with the cops more than the students, because in his eyes, these cops were the 'children of the poor', while the students were yuppies. i don't know if i agree with him, but i definitely see his point.
it annoys me how fucking detached internet leftism can be from the real world, and that's not just an indictment of strangers, it applies to me. this shit isn't just LARP-ing as red-bannered revolutionaries who play in the streets, this literally affects every aspect of the lives of everyone on earth. this has the potential to change all of that. you know what that entails? life and death. i cannot stress the seriousness of this enough. this is not a fucking game.
i have never met or heard of anyone who has ever said that dropping everything to move away to chase a girl was a good idea.
i know this one theorygrammer from Calgary who i have ranted a lot about, even though i don't doubt he's a smart dude, i just think he's losing the plot. Jason Kenney is worsening polarization in AB because half his party wants him to lean more into enabling mass death, while the left and everyone else wants him to back the fuck off of it. the theorygrammer is an 'anarchist' i think, but he leans hard into the antimasker shit. like his sympathy with Wexit, i don't know how the fuck he thinks the left has a place with these shitheads. you think the UCP MLA that wants to open everything up is gonna be a cool with a nation-state-abolishing direct democracy? you think these people share your interests? buddy, have you ever seen the characters are these rallies? you think it's worth having an alliance between us and the fucking Urban Infidels and Three Percenters? none of that shit is possible, dude. i thought you liked reading. or maybe i'm misunderstanding his point and/or i'm just stupid. i kind of want to talk it out with these people, but i definitely shouldn't be enabling their delusions, and also i feel like they'd immediately reject me for not being 'redpilled' enough. which would painfully ironic, given how much the 'sheeple' will supposedly never accept dissenting opinions or whatever. the theorygrammer was talking about how he takes pride in how Albertans are seen as rednecks, which i 100% understand and do myself, but as someone who is anti-patriotic, i am fucking embarrassed when thousands of us go to the rodeo in Bowden. it's not badass or charming, it's suicidal. it does not make me want to 'give er', it makes me want to leave.
it's May, so usually this is when spring comes into full force and it's basically summer from here on out around here. but it does not feel that way this year, LMAO! it's being raining off and on for the last week. it's chilly as shit. most of the trees are taking their sweet time to leaf out. it feels an awful lot like the fall, which isn't uncommon for this country by any means, but the glum weather sticks out like a fire given how much of a downer it is in the province out the moment. everyone likes how the air smells after it rains, but it's barely rained, and i've barely left my bedroom so i wouldn't know either way. the situation with the pandemic basically ensures we'll be staying at home for at least until June, which realistically means we won't really be getting out until July, which blows chunks. this all could have been over in like May 2020, but here we are. but i'd rather sacrifice a few years so maybe other people will get to live.
i think if most of my mutuals read my Wattpad, like if people like P--- Z--- read through it, i'd be dead meat. they can go fuck themselves, but there is a part of me that really dreads that thought, if i'm gonna be honest.
my dad loves The Smiths, but i've never been able to get into them. i inevitably will have my phase with them, i think. they've just been one of those bands everyone worships but you can't just get them to fit just right. they remind me of the summertime - distilled to its elemental form - raw enough to lethally slow you down in a few swigs. i remember being shitfaced with J--ie, who was also shitfaced, and both of us trying to articulate how sexy we thought Morrissey was, which was how we learned we were both bisexual. she said some shit to me like 'i just knew it, dude, i just knew you were!' i played Meat is Murder in the car whenever i picked up K--e from a party, which then we'd either bombastically drive to McDonald's where she tried not to spit up her food from laughing too hard or we'd argue until she walked out of the car, which perfectly describes our relationship.
i have a tooth for escapism as well, believe me. i have been stuck in my own head since i was 2. i wouldn't be who i am and believe what i do without making up anthologies of things that won't happen. but i haven't been able to do it as much very often. it isn't so much of a drug as it is a virtue for me. it's a practice of wanting something, and when you feel like you should want nothing, it's kind of hard to do that. however, i've been thinking about Philedephia all week.
i'm glad it's always there for you though. i know how much it helps. one day, one day.
New Order - Ceremony is my Smashing Pumpkins - 1979.
maybe one day i'll be bogged down by everything i'd be doing if i moved to a new place or even a new country all together, like studying abroad or something like that. i like the idea of us solely talking via the Wattpad like penpals. every week i put out an entry, every week you put out yours. we'd probably feel very distant from each other because we'd never actually 'see' each other, but i almost like the idea of our window being narrow. i enjoy brevity or at least i think i do. i guess we'll just have to wait and see.
i'm sorry for being so whiny recently. i think that gives you as good of a reason as any to be sad if you think you need to.
i know i riff the shit out of the 'misandry' thing, but it's not like i wouldn't appreciate it.
i get very excited whenever you post. i love whatever you write. i always learn something. i'm glad you like my rambling, too.
don't worry, i think we both miss each other.
Count Chocula 3 : The Gluten-Free Last Bowl?
i'm gonna apply for jobs today, also apply for school soon-ish, hopefully. got some shit done in spite of myself (hurray!?). which is good, i'm told (it is really. i should start contributing something). i just want some zest for life again, which is horribly fucking whiny and i remind myself how good i have it and it annoys me when people don't think i make a conscious effort to make that apparent to myself every day of my life, but whatever. you know what i mean. i'll always believe in you though.
tired of being afraid of being invalidated, which is why i say shit like 'i know i have it good' or 'sorry for being whiny'.
this was supposed to be about how i think i was in high school because of my lack of volunteer hours that i've noticed in barely attempting to crank out a simple resume, but it wasn't coming out of me. i'll get around to that in the second part later today. i gotta to to bed now. goodnight, i love you.
i'm going to make you another playlist. it's been way too long.
