I am miserable today. I am miserable today. I sit and stare off into space for hours. I have barely left my room. Plugging in an HDMI is too hard. I also have masturbated an obscene amount of times (my porn jokes are projection). Everyone makes me irritable but i make myself the most irritable. I kind of hate myself. There's so much shit around me that reminds me of all the time i have wasted. There's so many instruments i never bothered to master and so many books that i have never bothered to read. I was such a fucking asshole in high school. I am stillnnot a good person. Writing this feels insincere and attention-grabby. I don't want to be fucked up. I have this really ugly reoccuring thought about being tired of apologizing for being a man, even though i have never had to, and have never felt all that conventionally masculine anyway. I talk a big game about have such strong convictions but im completely enslaved by impulse. Im gonna be a lousy fucking teacher. Nobody should love me and I cant love anybody. That's what started this whole thing. I'm too weird to be loved, but I'm not weird enough to even just be interesting. I hate my sexuality. I'm so obnoxious. Maybe I should just accept that. I don't think I will ever change. Don't acknowledge this, please. Please don't bring this up to me. I don't want anyone to know I feel like this but at the same time I wish everyone understood. I'm ugly and stupid and whiney but also fucked up and lame. I don't need any reassurance. Ok i hate the thought of edating because it feels like a punishment, ok? It feels like im not good enough for the people around me, so im condemned to people i cannot meet. That must really say a lot about how i unconsciously see my internet friends. Im such a fucking asshole. Im so gross. I treat myself like shit. I don't know if im really depressed, like i don't know if i really feel pain. This feels like an overreaction. Other people feel it more than me. This is a milquetoast version of a legitimately damaging feeling. I can get up and eat and shower and brush my teeth and put on clothes and write all this. Im not bad enough.
Whenever i bring up how i feel like i cannot love/be loved, it ruins my day. Even when i bring it up as a joke it floors me for a whole day. And i believe that problems have a solution, so the solution to this would to be to look for a mate. That makes me feel awful. "Hey, stranger, date me because i have limited self worth without a mate" or whatever. That just feels wrong. I don't believe any one person can make someone like themselves. That's up to the person. I gotta do this myself.
Im so gross and creepy and spoiled. Im sooo gross. Im so gross. Idk why you're friends with me. You shouldn't be friends with me. Im such a bad person. Ejjnejekrjdejjdrkenndenelpwnrnfneidkeķdķekdķrķfkrķdkrķeķqkqlwodmrnrnfñcmcmskeiririeoekdkfnfnfnfngngngntkritkfkfkgjfjridkdkekoeekekskkssoriencjeifndjcirncjrigmvkrkvnrkdkdngntmeksksmenemelwo2kekekejdndjw9922o93n44n4je9orkxkxod9ekrnfi4nfjr84fn4irnncnfi4irnfor99w020qpqlqlamxmcngnfnjfjturi44u848458u585959594040302020101pqpqpwpspsolzlxmxmckdkdi3i3irkckfj4unfcuughrucirkwmqoa9aoqb2hf8cjrnenekeosiekeksksksskierkskekskekeio3939394irnrkddkdkrrkkedkkddkdkdkemmesmsmekeoeoskdkdkskkskekekekeo3ije
