I know seriously owe you three good posts from my mildly eventful summer without having finished a single one, but this isn't one of them. I promise you will be paid what you owed, but first, I need to just expel some shit that is nagging my 6 hours-slept and almost 20 hours-awake psyche. Seriously, sorry.
Before I go into beating myself off to worry and fear, I want to say that - in spite of everything I'm about to say - I genuinely believe it's time I stop being so hard on myself. It's time I treat myself the way I should be treating myself. I'm taking small steps that I seem to fumble immediately to getting there. And in spite of it all, I'm gonna get there, one shuffled inch that's never guaranteed to go forward at a time. More on that some time later.
Right now, I'm worried about a few things. Here's
a list of them in no particular order:
1. (ME SEEMINGLY DISPLAYING SYMPTOMS OF) OCD. If this list had a particular order, this would still be number one. It's the sole reason I am writing this right now. It's what I thought of when I closed my eyes and tried to pass out. It would rank the highest because it's my wild card. It's unpredictable, it's weird that it's even a thing, it never seems to go away, it scares me too bad to even fully explain, and therefore has the potential to level my whole shit. At least I fear it does. Maybe I can trade whatever blowouts I might have with it for a lifelong sense of general unease. Better to fade away than to burn out in this case, eh? That makes me sound really mentally ill, a perfect segue to number two on this list, being...
2. I FEEL LIKE I'M LYING TO MY MOM. I love my mom more than I know how to express at this point in my life. Certainly more than the dignity and care that a half-assed Wattpad ventpost allows (suggesting I don't mean everything I say in these, which isn't true). I love how we can pack a series of afternoons with talk about literally anything at all in a nonlinear smorgasbord of histories, jokes, tangents, lectures, references, and epiphanies. I will cherish that forever. But I kind of feel like I'm acting like someone who I'm not when I've been talking to her. I seem to present myself as being far more assured, well-rounded, and critical of others than I actually am or should have the right to be. The persumably real me that is present right now feels far more off his shit than that other guy, and that discrepancy feels disrespectful in the same way keeping a secret would. It makes me out to be less mature than I actually am. There's probably at least some truth to that, as I've learned there is with everything in this new batch of worries that have popped up. I probably am fronting a bit. But at the same time, maybe I'm not really.
Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself again.
Maybe everything will be fine in the end and I just first need to get some sleep. I don't know. I'll be sure to give the sleep part a try.
Better, beefier, less worried posts on the way. I promise. I love you.
