i got accepted into the BEd program. i feel weird about it. i want to say that i don't know why i feel weird about it, which would be a lie. the truth is that i don't know how to express how i feel about it, so it'll probably be good for me if i attempt to sort it out in writing.
i am actually not really surprised i got in. although, looking back, not being that discreet about assuming i would get in is not the most classy attitude to have. but it's done with now. i was right in the long run.
when i first told my mom - who was the first person i told - i pulled my usual "don't get too excited, it's not that big of a deal" bullshit by saying just that and insisting it wasn't that big of a deal because the bar to get in wasn't that high in my mind (the prereq is like at least a passing in some of the core subjects, with like a 70-75% average in one or more, something like that), which would never deter my mom being happy for me, and it shouldn't have. her excitement, which is standard for this kind of occasion but has never stopped being warm, made me realize then that putting down every single God damn accomplishment i make is such a shitty attitude. you're not being humble and no one is impressed, you just look unnecessarily sad in the act. so i cut the shit and swallowed my negative pride, taking the W for what it is. but i still felt off about it, like i hadn't finished something yet. i still do.
i always have to check things over a hundred times or have them be repeated to me even when i'm already sure i know them inside and out in order to feel like i've fully covered my ass. i'm very sensitive to making a mistake, so this is how i try to avoid doing that. i think i get that from my mom. when my college account updated its chart with all the applications i've made in the school, it said pretty clearly that anything tagged with "Official Admission" means that i'm fully enrolled in it, but i couldn't be comfortable telling anyone about it or thinking that was the case without someone from the school telling me straight up that it was, so i emailed them asking if i was correct in thinking their instructions meant what it meant. of course, they told me i was. that was yesterday, so then my mom opened the flood gates for the news to get to the rest of the family. her excitement, as always, didn't let up. and just like her excitement, the feeling that i have still something unfinished has not let up.
my mom, like always, has been very encouraging about the whole thing. it was half her idea, after all. she keeps telling me how proud she is of me. i always want to hear that, there was a point in my life where i felt i needed that more than anything and i got it now, but it still almost feels new to me. i appreciate it nonetheless, and she doesn't just stop there. she's gone on about all the things i could do with this as my career: the people i'd meet, the places i could go, the flexibility i'd get, how good i'd be at this gig, the meaning i'd find in it all. i listened, i always do. i liked what she was saying, i like the prospects of it, i liked that she was happy for me, and to some extent, i was too. if i didn't get accepted, i think i'd surprise myself over how disappointed i'd be over it. but now that i actually made it, i still doubted myself. i tried to keep that under wraps, i didn't want to kill the mood, but i think my obligatory "yeah"-ing and insisting that "i don't mean to sound unenthused. it just hasn't hit me yet" gave it away that i wasn't as psyched as her. in that moment, it felt stupid not to be, this was my accomplishment after all. i knew and know this was and is a good thing, i just didn't feel it. that might just be in my nature to underplay when things are good, but this didn't feel like just my shitty attitude. there are reasons for it, and i know them. i knew them then, but it wouldn't have made sense to me until i put them into writing.
the truth is is that i'm still not sure about what i want to do with my life. i don't know if i really want to be a teacher. i wanted to preface what that with "i guess the truth is", which i wouldn't use to describe that i'm uncertain about whether or not that's the truth, but instead, i would use it to hide my certainty of it being the truth, to lessen the blow of declaring a conviction. there's no comfort in responsibility. but that's needless. i don't have to hide in here. i really don't have to hide anywhere. so, to reiterate - but this time with some wind in my sails - the truth is that i'm still not sure what i want to do with my life. i don't know if i really want to be a teacher, but that's okay. if i hate it, i can switch programs. if i grow to hate it or if there's nothing to apply that hate to because there are no positions open by the time is get out of the doghouse, i can just do something else. i haven't SOLD OUT, MAN!! there are ways out, i wouldn't have tried to get in under the circumstances without knowing that, but there's a good chance i won't need any of them anyway. i can see myself really liking this. i can even see myself liking it more than i thought i would. everything my mom said in her pep talks is 100% true. and again, if it doesn't pan out like that, i'll just do something else. it's not like there are no advantages to having a million interests.
hopefully, i'm not buttering up my words to try to convince myself i made the right move when deep down i know i didn't with how i'm insisting it's all going to be okay going down this route. i don't think i am though. i think i'm objectively going to be okay, though. my mom would tell me that. J--- and you would, too.
at the end of the day, at least i'm trying to do something with myself. there's no failure in that even if it carries no straight path.
when your day comes, that applies to you, too.
