i have 1% interest in writing anything. i probably should. (i think) i have been depressed this weekend (because saying 'i think' leaves it up in the air and makes me not have to actually confront the situation, which would be uncomfortable, effectively trapping me in it). my chest feels weird and i can get incredibly aggressive (i was helping my sister with math and for the first bit i was just furious at everything she said and chewing her out for anything and yelling and shit and generally being an asshole. i almost narc'd on her for vaping, but i then snapped out of it because i realized that would make the whole house go nuclear (my sister was also being an asshole but that doesn't excuse my baby shit) (i think i act this way because im trying to make everyone is miserable i as am, but i never do anything really cruel. i never go as far with it as i theoretically could, if the goal is to make everyone miserable. this is very shitty behaviour, i know)). my head feels cloudy. i feel isolated from everyone, but i also think i deserve to be isolated (i don't entirely believe this, and the part of me that doesn't is the same part that convinced me to start writing). i haven't Done much of anything. i didn't bike today, and not because it rained until the part of the day where i usually bike. i never left my house. i just stayed in my room. my mom asked me why i stopped looking for jobs and didn't apply for college this fall. i told her 'i don't know' for every question she asked me about it, like 'have you applied for anything? there's a posting for a cashier at Home Depot', even though i (sort of) actually knew why i didn't. (if i did actually know a reason) it's a stupid reason. i have been watching It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia clips numbingly ad nauseam. i fantasize about being drunk with my friends again in Calgary or wherever we are in the future and reciting the bit where Frank talks to the therapist about his childhood. 'it's all coming back, unzip me! unzip me!' i explained to my mom that i was having doubts about going into teaching, and why that is, blah blah blah. she pitched the idea to me again, but this time she brought up that i would have the summers off, which would give me 'time to write books. [i] would be flexible.' for some reason, this really annoys me. sometimes when im alone and think about stuff like that, i say 'please shut up' aloud. one example is when Jake's gf said i would be 'famous' one day. i feel better admitting that it bothers me but i still don't know why. it feels patronizing because unbeknownst to them, i care a lot about making art eventually, despite the fact these are words of encouragement for that? anyway, i feel ashamed that i haven't applied for anything yet. i was so so so motivated to get my shit together. i made a whole plan for it. i secretly knew it wouldn't work out quickly. every attempt i have ever made to manage myself has failed. i may be unable to manage myself and i fucking hate it. i hate it so much. i have hated it since i was a kid. i'm legally an adult now and i have wasted so much time. e how am do i expect to do anything at all? how can i pull off college at all, let alone i've only managed to get anything going regarding it with the direction of other people. how the fuck can i pull off a job? a relationship? a career? am i just a kid or is there something wrong with me? i am very whiny. there is nothing wrong with me. i have nothing to complain about. this is all my fault. i don't like that i like porn, but i do. the antimaskers are getting me down for a reason that isn't because they're fucking up everyone's shit. i feel like they are more critical of the world than i am, being LIBCUCKED and all, and i should be more critical of the world and the things they are criticizing in particular. i can definitely agree with how some of them view the lockdowns. there is a lot of autocratic, opportunist, arbitrary, half-measured bullshit regarding them and they have been used as an excuse to maintain power. but the vaccine skepticism and underplaying covid is something i have yet to understand (if there is anything at all. my LIBCUCKEDness tells me these aren't ideas that should be given a platform). some people i consider to be pretty smart are buying into that. maybe im too much of a coward (my attraction to it doesn't come out of any logic other than power = something to be critical of). my aunt and everyone living in her house, which is 11 people total, all tested positive today. my aunt has SCAD and just had a heart attack, so she's in dire straits (i just learned it is may be possible to get SCAD from COVID). my sister told me she doesn't care about it because she only met her once and is upset that everyone is mad at her for 'having an opinion', which i called her an asshole for. Losing My Edge (I Never Had Any). the COVID denialists keep comparing the situation to fascism, they use terms like 'biofascism'. i wonder if i'd be a nazi, i wonder if this proves i would be. my dad once told me my behaviour in the pandemic makes me closer to the anti-fascists, and the antimaskers closer to the fascists (a lot of them happen to be, at least the ones i've seen. very few of them are self-proclaimed 'anarchists'). i feel like i'm not doing enough. i want to be anti-authoritarian, but this makes me feel like i'm too weak to actually be one. maybe i spend too much time on the internet, along with being around delusional sociopaths too much as well.
i kind of want to teach university instead of high school. i feel like my interests are more there. i could be like Mark Fisher. but academia is notoriously bankrupt and conservative. i'll still look into it, maybe it's not all that bad. my dad alludes to me doing it sometimes.
instrusive thoughts, intrusive thoughts, instrusive thoughts, are they the real me? real? (REAL) real re (al) re (al) (r)e(a)l ((R(m)E)AL.)
(cw: sex abuse)
my mom told me about the Duggar family, the family from 19 Kids and Counting. the father, Jim Bob Duggar, and eldest son, Josh Duggar, are serial child molesters. the discussion around the show nowadays revolves around their indictments and the how the situation was handled by TLC, the family (namely the mother and the children), and their church (Baptist). my mom told me a story where the dad raped one of the daughters and forced to write a thank you letter thanking him for making him 'spiritually stronger' or something, which disturbed the shit out of me. my mom described that their church forced their members, including the Duggars, into isolation by way of threats of being sexually violated. ie) if the kids went to public school instead of being home schooled, the 'Devil' would come into their lives, possibly prompting strangers to rape them. who they should thank, because they 'deserved' it for going against the will of God. Josh Duggar got caught three times. i forget how many times Jim Bob did. i think it was all their daughters and sisters. they also got busted for Cheese Pizza. the mom undoubtedly knew this was going on but let it happen. the network had to have known as well, but did whatever they could to keep the show afloat, with the rebooted Counting On, which just featured the Duggar kids. some of them grew up and went as far away as they possibly could. this whole story prompted me to tell my mom that i thought 'public castration was a good idea', without any irony.
i have not made my bed. i have been reading about the situations in Brazil and India, specifically Brazil with Jair Bolsonaro, who i have always known was a fascist, but come the fuck on. this guy deserves death. there was this city in the amazon that was roughly the size of Edmonton with no oxygen. Bolsonaro mocked the dead by calling them too weak to survive. i read about this Indian doctor who said that only the affluent could afford to be socially distant, and the poor and working people had to suffer the consequences of their callousness, which breaks my God damn heart, dude. i also learned about the Sudanese 'water war'. very lighthearted reads for a depressed person. i have thought a lot about how the best thing to happen to me personally in the pandemic next to all my friends and family being safe (so far. knock on wood) was getting to know you. sometimes i imagine a scenario where i have to never know you in order for the world not to go through so much death, which i'd obviously agree to (fuck you!!!!!) but i'd miss the fuck out of you somehow. maybe that's silly. i love you. i miss you weirdly. i'm sorry. thank you for us calling on sunday, i really needed that. i hope you enjoyed it. thank you for everything.
i have been listening to weird records with cult followings from days of yore made in the 80s in places like Athens, GA to get me back to who i am. that always orients myself, gets me to where i need to be: cool records spoken reverently by single people who flylow with their enthusiasm, making it more potent by passing it off like Samizdat material. the less people know about it, the more it feels like the whole world. i want to write to Werner Herzog or Dennis Cooper and ask them what i should do with my life. the last thing i remember dreaming about was Houston, TX being referenced. my NSA agent knows i'm a liar. i got to take more initiative. i got to keep going. somehow. somehow. haven't i always? i think i should reopen the book on ADHD. perhpas it still explains everything. i should talk to someone who has it. i should talk to my cousins again and my old social studies teacher about teaching. a couple days ago i was listening to Black Country, New Road - Sunglasses while/after i went for a very nice and strenuous bike ride and just started crying. i kept thinking about how much i related to how the lyrics were written and what they were about (and how cool the bandmembers are probably and how cool they sound in interviews, but that is minor). it was one of of those moments where i felt like the music was speaking directly for me, which made me break loose and vent out a bunch of shit i've been holding down, especially at the part of Sunglasses where it goes
'and things aren't just built like they used to be,
the absolute pinnacle of British engineering
And i'm so ignorant now with all that i've learned
i'm so ignorant now with all that i've learned
Yes i'm so ignorant now with all that i've learned
I'm so ignorant now with all that i've learned"
that last bit especially got me. i was crying while driving and i didn't have any napkins. i did the whole sobbing 'Hur hur huuuuur' thing, where im audibly sobbing. i HATE hearing that. it makes me stop. i knew i needed to let it out though. i remember Skye telling me to let it out when i was crying for the first time in years when i was 15. it was good advice. this is the longest entry that i have written yet. remember the beginning of The Haters, where Wes shows Corey Kool & The Gang and feels stupid that Corey doesn't like it, and eventually learns to hate them? i relate to that a lot, but i'm glad it has never made me want to hate what i like.
