College has really made me feel different from other people. I kind of hate admitting that, though. I think saying shit like "I'm not like the other boys" is arrogant and ignorant, but fuck, dude. I actually feel that way, and I happen to really like it. Maybe that's completely obvious to everyone that isn't me, but I feel like I've come into my sense of being individual. It's cool.
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I feel melancholic. I feel the weight of growing up. I feel my friends moving away and the careerism I've stumbled into. I feel decisions made. I feel what could have been even though nothing has been at all yet. I'm still the kid in my head as I make my commute. I'm still sticking my tongue out while I'm on the way to where I've agreed to be.
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I don't feel like I have much to say these says, which is weird, as everything has been happening.
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I've never been better - I mean it when I say it. But I feel like I still have skeletons in my closet. I don't know what to do about them other than they have to get dealt with, even if it ruins everything.
I still don't know if I'm a good person. I like myself a lot better, but there's still some shit I got to understand.
I know you ask me sometimes if I ever have tried to be happy, but believe me, I am. I'm not trying to waste these good times. I just want to be true to what I say I believe in. I have been thinking a lot about how I told T---a that a lot of high school for me was defined by being disgusted the behaviour of others around me. I think about it a lot because I wonder how true that is. I think it isn't entirely true, like everything else. I feel shitty about that but it's the truth. I need to know the truth.
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My grandma didn't remember my dad or I, but I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think anything of it until I saw a video about the same thing and all the comments mentioned how sad it was to watch. I don't know what that means for me. I guess you just get used to it.
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Video games make me insecure about my intelligence.
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I think it's funny that you think I write like John Green. I don't know what to make of that. I've never thought about him like that at all. I'm not against it, I just didn't expect it.
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My neighbourhood has grown up. Most of us have moved out, except for maybe three or four of us, including me. One is a huge dick who I don't like, one is J---, and the other one or two I couldn't make an opinion on because I haven't interacted with them since grade 6. Everyone else moved away, most of which went off to Calgary and Vancouver. The girl who is responsible for Skinterrain moved to New York City, which I think about sometimes. I wonder if she and her Brooklyn/Manhattan dance friends listen to Eartheater and go to ISSUE Project Room and shit. If I was her, I would do both as often as I could.
I like geniunely having stayed back, which is not me coping, I swear. I'll get out eventually but I'm in no rush. This place is home, even people are assholes here. I know you feel similarly about Pennsylvania. People are assholes everywhere, even more so in the cities. Bullshit is at least kept digestible in a small city like mine. There is always parking and you don't have to plan 3 weeks in advance to use a vending machine. Everyone knows each other and goes to the same Costco. It takes 15 minutes to cross the city by car. People shovel each other's walks without asking and we give each other the mail if it was delivered to the wrong address.
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I wish I could hang out forever.
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This dude in a pickup with two Canadian flags on the back probably put up the COVID denialist newspaper that I stole today. He told my dad "Merry Christmas!" and I think my dad said "Fuck off" to him. I don't know, I wasn't there. Anyway, the thing was full of Ben Garrison horseshit. It was a total score. I live for finding shit like this out in the wild. There was a cartoon in the back of the cops beating the fuck out of antimaskers which really pissed me off, because these pricks act like they're so persecuted, but the pigs never lay a fucking finger on them. Especially in this country. Statistically, the cops are on they're side. It's arrogant and delusional. I think about the shit that is happening in Fairy Creek, where the cops are actually pulverizing the fuck out of protesters.
