i would straight up vent, i kind of already did, but i don't want to dump it all out to you. so this entry is just gonna be a recount of more-or-less nice things i saw this week, as opposed to getting punk in drublic off guilt and hate.
i went for a walk with my mom and k--e today. she really appreciated us being there, even if she kept phrasing it as her 'dragging' us there, which i didnt see it that way. i enjoyed being there with her, even if my thoughts in the moment where pretty grim. i was glad she was happy. the weather was nice. maddie was very energetic, especially to finally be walking with mom after she waited to for about an hour. k--e wants to go on this big mediterranean cruise when she graduates, which we all talked about for a lot of it, outside of mother's day and the summer. i'm politically opposed to cruises, but my mom brought up the idea of my grandpa coming with us if we ever went, which made me amend my nebulous rich boy radicalism. she said we would share a room. it would be nice to spend time with him like that, especially before i'd ideally/hypothetically/possibly move away for university the summer of k--e's graduation. regardless of that, he's getting really old. we're all getting old.
i saw this person writing in their notebook. they dressed similar to me. not literally, but in essence, i thought: specific but unassuming, sneakers under a purplish-grey coat. from afar, they seemed to have nice handwriting. it looked like they were writing poems because the lines looked like they made stanzas. the book was small and seemed sparsely written in, the writing was seemed explicitly anti-clutter. they looked tired and nonconfrontational. i wondered if i would have talked to them if i wasn't busy talking with my mom, but i probably wouldn't have though. i usually write to ger away myself, ironically enough. i got the feeling we would have gotten along, though.
i talked with an old friend the other day, as you know. it wasn't easy, and it brought back old feelings i didn't want to deal with, but i finally got to sort them out. it was incredibly nice for two people who historically never understood each other to come out of the woodwork years after they broke it off to finally come together to understand each other, possibly for the first and last time. got to bury a hatchet i was told i never would. it felt like a weight lifted, but it's been too long for it to be in the foreground of my thoughts and too small to renew myself completely, but beggars can't be choosers. i'll take whatever i can get.
i talked with a mutual about a record i seem to talk about with mutuals a lot for less than a minute, but i enjoyed doing it a lot, anyway. talking like that more would be cool. the record in question is Parquet Courts - Wide Awake! i have really liked it since it came out. maybe it's a little too fucking indie, but it's still great. apparently it was influenced by funk and hardcore in the sense it's trying to make tough shit pleasurable by way of acting it out, like moshing or slap bass in general. you can dance to it but it's still intensely political. my mutual was telling me about how as someone who grew up in Massachusetts, the line 'and fuck Tom Brady' in Total Football was really liberating for them. i said that i thought that was so awesome, which it is. i wish all my mutuals the best, especially this one. their college seems to be a military-grade shitshow right now, one made unbearably personal by the nature of the shit itself. all of that has brought on a bit of a crisis for them, seriously coming to the conclusion that they should not be there for every reason one would come to that. i'm not close with them though, i just read everyone's captions. once we appeared in each other's dreams.
i hung out with m-- today. he sat in the passenger seat while i sat in the trunk for a bit. i talked about going to college again and wanting to get my shit together and my fear of making the wrong move and whatever. it was raining hard against the windows of my car, it was midnight, i felt like i was connected to someone again (and it wasall around very shutupwowcore). i felt better (a half an hour before this i ran into someone i really fucking hate, so my otherwise improved mood was spoiled again). all of that was nice, i needed it.
me and my dad went driving to do some errands and we talked about Björk and how i have strict rules for whether or not i like roof racks that are purely for their aesthetic, which made me feel like myself in front of him, which doesn't happen as much as i'd like for whatever reason.
i have been talking to k--e more and it's mostly been good. we've just been hanging out. i want to be there for her and anything like that is a step in the right direction (even though i still risk getting sick from her), because a part of me feels like i've failed her.
i yelled at a dude that i fucked his mom as he screamed shit at me as him and these other people in the car drove past me in the Dairy Queen parking lot.
hopefully tomorrow or next week or some time later will be better. i hope i can be better, or that i'm not as bad as i think i am. but either way, it's never all shitty.
