He's in the Rain

chapter eighteen

"when will you go back there?" asked yeonjun's mom while they were just sitting around the not-so-big terrace of their house. together with him and his mother are his father and sister. his other relatives, yeonjun's grandmother to be exact, are also there with them for they celebrated yeonjun's birthday today. they couldn't celebrate it at the exact day because his birthday is a weekday — a monday. he has to go to work.

"tomorrow. my friends already called me and said they'll meet me somewhere," yeonjun said as he smiled, looking directly at his mother who seems to be looking at her as if she won't see her son again.

"oh, you said you have a new friend, right?" yeonjun's mother asked.

"yes, mom. it's been months since we became friends. i'm sorry i never had time to visit these past months." he apologetically smiled right after saying this.

"it's fine. as long as you're happy with them," his mother replied to him and stood up, reached for his son, and patted him on his back. "i'm gonna help with the cooking as well. you're grandmother is at our backyard, resting."

with that, yeonjun nodded his head and his mom proceeded to go inside and headed towards the kitchen to help with whatever kitchen work they have to do. on the other hand, yeonjun stood up and went straight to their backyard, to see his grandmother sitting on her rocking chair and was calmly looking at the sky that turned gray, making known that it was about to rain.

"son," yeonjun's grandmother suddenly calls him. she signaled yeonjun to come near her and sit on the chair beside her.

to add up information, yeonjun's grandmother treats him like his own son. yes, not a grandson but a literal son, like he really came from her womb. that is because she never really had a son. they were all girls, three girls to be exact. as yeonjun is the oldest among cousins, he was treated as his grandmother's son. she wants to experience having a son.

"mama," yeonjun called back. even the names they use to call each other looks like their relationship is a mother-son kind of relationship. they've gotten used to it because ever since yeonjun knew how to speak, he calls his grandmother 'mama' and she calls him 'son'.

"i missed you," yeonjun uttered as he leans over to his grandma and hugs her.

"i missed you too... so much," his grandma said. silence took over after this. they just kept on hugging each other. they let the cool wind blow and small drops of rain fall from the sky. it started raining.

"your dada must have heard of your coming. he sent rain," the grandmother whispered, but yeonjun was able to hear this because he was still hugging the elderly. "son, i miss him."

"i'm sure that dada misses you too." dada. the name which yeonjun uses to call his grandfather. it may sound like a name that a baby would call his grandpa, but yeonjun doesn't care. he grew up with this, he stays like that.

as his grandfather was mentioned, the topic about him opened. yeonjun's grandma started talking about his beloved husband who has been with the creator for four years now. she started talking about their life when he was still here — their love story.

"you know, son," yeonjun's mama started. "we were college lovers, although we already knew each other since we were back in our first year of high school. back then, he confessed, but i didn't know about my feelings for him. in my mind i knew i wasn't gaining feelings, but my heart said otherwise. i didn't know, i just felt it. and he also felt it, because i was showing it way too much."

'because i was showing it way too much.'

that phrase, that simple phrase containing those words, reminded yeonjun of that one particular person. that person who he thinks of a lot, that person who he shares most of his days with other than his other friends, that person who makes him feel excited to proceed to another tomorrow for he knows it's another day with him.

"son?" he came back to his senses when his grandmother called him. right, it may be uncomfortable now that yeonjun is still hugging his grandma. it's been minutes. "a penny for your thoughts?"

"me? uh, nothing, mama," yeonjun denied. no, he wasn't just thinking of something but rather someone.

"i've known you for a long time for me not to know if something's bothering you, son. tell me what it is — or who it is." yeonjun looked at his grandmother, shocked. 'how the fuck— i mean, how did she know about that?' yeonjun asked himself in his mind.

and even with those marks of being old, his grandmother's smirk couldn't be invisible.

yeonjun sighed, "the thing is... there's this man."

the smirk got even wider. "hmm, okay. continue."

"just like you, mama, i... i don't know if i like him or not. it has been days since i've been questioning myself if i really gained feelings for him over the past months and days. my heart already knows the truth but my mind denies."

"i've also used this reason to go here, away from him, so that i could answer these questions that keeps on bothering me, but i'm still so confused, mama. i couldn't find the right answer to my questions."

his grandma just kept on nodding, keeping the information given by yeonjun and was understanding it. she then spoke, leaving yeonjun to keep his silence.

"yeonjun, son," his grandma said. "your answer is already there."

"huh?"

"you may have been having confusions because your mind and your heart are debating, but all you need to do is disregard those debates and arguments. i looked into your eyes earlier when you were talking, and i saw how you're worried. worried because you may not really like him. happiness as well, because you may really like him. i can see it, my son."

"all you need to do is let your mind and your heart agree on the same thing. it's either you like him or not, that's all. it will be the best for you if your heart and mind are on the same team. now, if you're still confused, find your feelings in your head. think about him, and find the answer through your mind and your mind only, for the heart already knows its truth."

"to be honest, i don't even know why i am saying this to you. i didn't even know that i used both my heart and mind back then. i knew from the bottom of my heart that i love your dada, so that's a yes from my heart. then, i considered some things — our situation, distance, and those real feelings — i considered them all, so when the time comes that i'm ready to say yes to him, i have no other things to think of. only him."

'only him.'

yeonjun should think of him, everything about him.

yes, he knows, and he's quite sure that he likes him but his mind keeps on denying. his mind keeps on debating with him and his own heart.

yeonjun was about to sink into his thoughts when his grandmother spoke once again. "it's all in your system, son. maybe you already have your answer, but you've been just sticking to what your mind whispers. it's all in you, yeonjun."

'it's all in me,' yeonjun thought.

although he wasn't that sure yet, he somehow slowly finds the final answer. he smiles, and turns to his grandmother who is also smiling. "thank you, mama! you're clearly the best."

"remember those things, yeonjun. because if you don't, you're going to hurt both yourself, and mostly him."

'i might hurt him.' yeonjun thought, once again.

"i don't want that to happen, mama. i don't want to hurt him."