family | ateez au | (under editing)

*Part thirty-three*

third person pov
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TW // self harm, (vague) description of self harm scars.

"yeah bub, come over here" seonghwa sat up straight and patted the spot next to him for jongho to sit down. when the boy sat down, he immediately laid his head on his dads should, and cuddled into his side. seonghwa has always liked the fact that jongho and yeosang, even thought they act like they hate affection, still like being held at the ages that they are.

"i think sans friends are bad people" jongho started off. "i've never met them, but i've seen san walking with them when we wait for him outside of school. they don't treat people nicely. they called a girl a pig the other day" jongho played with his dads rings, just like he used to do when he was a toddler.

"what did san do?" seonghwa asked

"he didn't do anything. but i think one day he might be the one making comments like that" the ten year old said. it was hard for him to say, no one wants to think of their older brother, someone that they look up to, as a bad person. especially san, but, san isn't a bad person.

"i'm sure he won't, you know. papa had a phase where he kinda went through the same thing. when i met him, he was this too cool for anything kinda guy" seonghwa said

"did he say mean things to people?" jongho looked up at seonghwa as his hands stayed fiddling with the wedding ring

"sometimes... but, papa has grown from that, and when he had the chances to he apologized to the people that he could" seonghwa nodded

"did he say mean things to you?"

"no, actually. we met through our friends, and he'd make some mean jokes to my friends, just poking fun. but he never did that with me. at first, i thought he didn't like me. but my friends told me that if he didn't like me, he wouldn't be around as much as he was."

"so papa did like you, just in a different way..." jongho giggled at the thought

"yep" seonghwa nodded

"i don't think san likes me..." jongho said, and honestly, he felt this.

"he likes you, i promise, he just... isn't in the best state with a lot of things right now" seonghwa explained, in the nicest way possible

"i don't like growing up" jongho whispered

"i know baby... i know..." seonghwa pulled the boy into a hug, kissing his head. its hard, all of it.

—

san and hongjoong sat at sans desk, working on the english homework

"can i tell you something?" san asked

"of course" hongjoong nodded

"i don't feel... happy, with a lot of things" san said. hongjoong found this to be how san opens up, very vague little confessions.

"hm... well do you feel happy with all of us, as a family?"

"sometimes..." the boy nodded

"and why not other times" hongjoong questioned, he saw the boy was really thinking. he could see exactly when they sadness his him.

"sometimes, i feel left out. yunho and mingi are these smart, tall, kids. mingi needs attention for his anxiety and asthma. jongho is your baby, wooyoung is a little too much like a baby sometimes" san chuckled, causing his dad to do the same. everyone knows wooyoung will put on a baby voice for some extra candy bars in his lunch box any day. and wooyoung will say that he himself is the baby of the family. "and yeosang obviously has his stutter and dyslexia. i'm just kinda, here"

hongjoong nodded in an understanding way. san had some points, other than his anxiety, san isnt really one of the kids that the parents worry after as much. of course they show him love, and give him attention. but they also spend hours with yeosang in therapy, and helping him with his reading. they always help jongho with his homework, and mingi with his anxiety and counseling. wooyoung fights his adhd medication all the time. yunho is always the top student of his classes, even in dance class. so he's pretty much the golden child.

now this was all in sans mind, this is how he sees things. because san doesnt fight his medication, san gets pretty good grades, but nothing to have a celebration over. san doesn't go to therapy, san usually does his own homework, san doesn't need the extra attention. but he wants it. and what kids doesn't want attention

"i know it's hard seeing your brothers getting attention. but i can assure you, half the time mingi and yeosang hate the extra attention. they're constantly getting reminded about their mental and physical health. sannie, we always try our hardest to show all of you the attention and love that you deserve, but having six kids with all different personalities, it's hard" hongjoong said "we don't love you any less than we love the rest of your brothers. and i know being a middle child isn't always the greatest experience, but all i ask of you, is you be patient with us. because we really are trying our best"

hongjoong went to take sans hands, but the boy backed away. thinking san was still upset, the dad sighed.

"i'm not mad, i just don't wanna be touched" san said, it's like he read his mind.

"okay... well. your homework's done. can i at least get a high-five?" hongjoong giggled

san smiled and raised his hand to high-five his dad, when his sleeve of his hoodie slid down his arm. mid high-five, hongjoong noticed something.

"san-ah, can i see your arm please?" hongjoong spoke softly to the boy after he dropped his hand. san shook his head

"i promise i won't be mad sannie, just show papa you're arm. it'll be okay" hongjoong said softly

"i'm sorry" san shocked out a whisper

"you have nothing to be sorry about baby. can i see please? i promise i won't hurt you. i'll be gentle" hongjoong whispered

san moved his arm out for his dad to roll up his sleeve. when he did, his fresh scars were now on display. he felt weak. helpless. the only thing he could do is let out a choked up sob. hongjoongs tears fell on sans hand as he saw the redness drawn in lines across his sons arm. he counted eight total.

"sannie" he whispered

"i'm so s-sorry"

"shh. you're okay, it okay. you're gonna be okay. i'm right here" hongjoong repeats after he moved the boy toward his lap and held him like he was still a baby. he wishes he was still his baby.

"papa's right here"

[to be continued]

[not proof read]

[if this is too much please let me know, i'll take it down and re-write a different plot]