[✔] lightbulb » lee taeyong & na jaemin

ch. 23

oneirataxia: the inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality

» kwan ara's pov »

lying on my own bed, i thought about today. for the first time in a while, i felt motivated to do physical activity. in a way, i felt lighter, not just from burning calories and slowly gaining the muscles i yearned for. maybe, i'd even have abs in the future. i laughed at myself. yes, and then reveal my abs like the k-pop stars. slowly lifting my shirt and then tease the fans by putting it back down! they scream, and then i actually do it, and then they scream more. the perfect k-pop-abs-reveal guide.

we had attended the class and found the perfect level for us. thankfully, no masters yelled at us.

i remembered what jaemin did before allowing me to leave for class. he got me to eat, slowly encouraging me to keep it down.

"ara, don't worry about eating everything here, okay?" he said, as he nodded at the food. there was everything: fruits, salads, plain bread, soup. they were 'safe foods', which meant that i could eat them without worrying too much and thinking about my anorexia.

he knew that seeing a lot of food overwhelmed me, so he put away all the food and came back with three types of fruit. a watermelon slice, a peach slice, and five grapes.

"here," he said softly, feeding me a grape, one at a time. i choked it down, almost crying from the effort.

he would push me to eat, but when he saw i was at my limit, he paused and gave me water.

"we won't leave until you're done eating." he patted my arm. "take your time, okay? we can always reschedule our appointment." we were supposed to go to the taekwondo class in two hours, but it warmed my heart that i had more time.

i ate all my fruit. when i had taken the last bite, jaemin had cheered.

"you did so good, ara!" he laughed. "i'm so proud of you."

i grinned. i had eaten. "can...i have more?" i was feeling brave today.

he glowed. "of course, princess." he got up and brought back a small plate of fruit. this time, there were two slices of watermelon and slices from a whole can of peach.

i swallowed hard. jaemin noticed, and went back to the kitchen to put the watermelon back and half a can of peaches back.

i felt better seeing less food on the plate. jaemin helped me eat all the peaches.

"good job, ara. i'm so proud of you!" he kept saying. i felt so encouraged. "here," he said, handing me a chocolate bar. "try this." he made eye contact with me. "of course, unless you don't want to?"

i gulped at it. strangely, tears brimmed at my eyes. how long had it been since chocolate?

"i...i'll try."

he ripped open the bar, and snapped off a square. he took a bite first, then handed his piece to me. i nibbled it. it tasted...good. i took a bigger bite.

it was delicious. absolutely heavenly. i ate the whole bar.

jaemin was practically bouncing with pride. "you are amazing, ara. so, so, so amazing. you are what i'm proudest of the most."

he gave me a hug, smelling like fruit. i hugged back tightly, repeating, "thank you, thank you, thank you."

he let me go and smiled at me, pinching my cheek. "anything for you," he said. "anything."

but then i shoved him. running to the bathroom, i collapsed onto my knees and threw up. it was almost a daily routine, and i was sick of it. quite literally.

"jaemin, i'm so tired," i cried and cried. "jaemin, i can't do this anymore. i want to die, i want to die. i want to die so badly. i want to kill myself."

instead of lecturing me or gasping or reacting harshly, he just hummed. he rubbed my back and we sat on the bathroom floor together. my breathing slowed as i calmed down.

"what song are you humming?" i asked after a few minutes. i sniffed.

"it's 'my everything' by nct u. do you like it?"

"i love it."

he just smiled and began to sing softly.

"'you're my everything'," he sang.

when he was done singing that song, he began singing 'from home'. he stopped suddenly, asking, "are you better now?"

i lifted my head off the porcelain toilet, which was most likely not clean. but that was the least of my worries. "yes."

he helped me stand up, and carried some of my weight to help me get to the living room couch.

"was the chocolate too much, ara?"

i nodded. "can we stay with...fruit?" the chocolate made me feel too fat. i felt bloated, and i wanted to stick my fingers down my throat. i was too fat, too fat, too fat. i could hear taeyong: "skip a meal today, ara. you're getting fat."

jaemin knew me too well. knowing that i was thinking about my weight, he started to sing again. i closed my eyes and swayed from side to side. after a bit—and my stomach settled—i felt jaemin pry open my lips with gentle fingers and feed me as he sang. piece after piece.

"you're good, ara," he said after a few songs. i couldn't keep track of how many he sang. i didn't even know if he sang the actual words or hummed. all i could focus on was his voice. low and soothing.

i opened my eyes. "how much did i eat?"

he knew better than to tell me. "you ate the right amount, ara. you did great." he smiled at me. again, there it was—that love in his eyes. it made me feel...wrong. i did not deserve this love.

"let's go now," he said. he looked at the clock. "we still have time to make it to the class."

i nodded, and on wobbly legs, we left together.

"jaemin?" i said, before we left his house.

"yeah, ara?"

"thank you."

he smiled kindly at me. "ara, i would do that for you everyday. every single day."

i smiled at the memory. i would have to come over more. the food had paid off; i was able to last all day without exhaustion.

but i remembered something else. the reason why jaemin wanted me to do taekwondo.

"in case he ever loses it."